Monday, May 23, 2016

Oh, How I Miss It.

Well, it has been a long time since I have been blogging. I would like to say, the delay has been caused by being busy, but that is not the reason. Mostly, it is because I miss ttwd with every fiber of my being.

I miss that strike of pleasure that hits in the lower part of my body. I miss the catch in my throat, as his eyes take hold of mine before a punishment. I miss relaying my experiences and pleasures behind ttwd with all of you. I have been on a few times in the last few months, lurking behind and reading, rarely commenting. To me, it has been like being on the strictest diet, and finding myself in the most elaborate and decadent buffet and my jaw being wired shut, when I come to my happy little corner in blogland. I read your posts, and take both joy and jealousy in your different styles of ttwd (it's hard to explain). I haven't seen the whips since I moved, (I had lived in Tennessee, by the way). I haven't even felt the sting of a mild punishment with just his hand.

Once we moved from Tennessee, went to Montana (now live in Arizona), we had no privacy of any kind. We now live with a friend of mine, and her granddaughter (adult grandchild), she (my friend) is not open minded in regard to any alternative lifestyle, and is not fond of men, also gets in bad moods if, my hubby and I disappear for too long in the bedroom during the day. I don't need the cops called on my husband for spanking his wife. We have to stay in our bedroom a lot because her two dogs attacked my 13 year old 45lb dog and myself (I tried saving my dog and ended up with 22 punctures on my hands and a crushed knuckle), I saved my dog, so it was totally it. We also have two tiny chihuahua's that we can NEVER let be in the same room with my friend's dogs. So we stay in the room with our dogs most of the time. It would not be right to leave them in there all day, alone. The walls are thin, we have found her standing in the hallway in the middle of the night with her head against the wall (I have known this woman for nearly 2 decades and this is a new behavior). I never know if there will be laughter, or silence and a scowl, each time I exit my bedroom.

So, the time has once again come for some change, As moving has killed any moving money, we are going to purchase a travel trailer and a piece of cheap AZ desert. Its like being 18 again and starting out in life all over again, for the first time.

But, you can bet your sweet arse ttwd is going to start again. It may be a few months, but I WILL hear the slice of air being cut just before the leather makes contact with my now (sadly), tender flesh. I don't like this 50/50 thing, I want to be held accountable, I want to be stopped in my tracks by the peirce of his eyes when he gives a warning. I want to feel vulnerable and protected, in the way only ttwd can offer me.

So, please be patient with me, as I start this journey of change and return. Additionally, if you are lucky enough to feel the catch in your throat and the sting of a belt, may it feed that yearning most of us here in ttwd blogland have with our souls.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Life Throws a Few Punches

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been able to blog!

Life took a strange path and all of our plans went in a direction I was not prepared for. We ended up not getting the house and had to stay in the rental we have been living in for the last 10 years. Jim got sick and started displaying Alzheimer's and I got sicker with my MS (more brain lesions). I was scared for my hubby and terrified I was losing him to a horrible disease. It took a while for us to figure out was wrong. But, the floor in one of my spare bedrooms collapsed and exposed a massive amount of black mold and other molds. My home was under siege. My basement was holding 3,000 gallons of water (which the mold loved). Soon we could not breath and both had trouble thinking.

I immediately contacted my landlady. She bought a sump pump (only after I shamed her on Facebook). We went to the doctor, had lots of tests done. It turned out what we thought was Alzheimer's, was in fact prolonged black mold exposure. I asked the landlord to fix the issue, she did nothing other than to tell me to charge the materials for the floor and fix it myself. We could not, as we were getting sicker and sicker. Jim had his oxygen levels drop with any movement below 90%. I had, had enough. So, I called the city building inspector. Within 10 minutes my home was deemed "not safe for human habitation". The city attorney stepped in and is currently on the case.

I lost almost every thing we owned, The mold took it all. I worked so hard to accumulate my furniture, kept a spotless home, but the mold spores were too much. We walked away with only what could fit in the back of our pick-up and drove to the northwestern part of the country to be near my family (this was a MAJOR mistake).

Remember when I explained my relationship with my mother? Well, when I got here, it got so much worse. My mother suddenly ended up in the hospital, I called and spoke to her doctor, he said it was over-medication of pain killers. They did CT Scans, found nothing wrong other than mother seems to have developed a problem with prescription painkillers (which no doctor had been giving her, instead she convinced my extended family to send her oxy's, Valium, and other narcotic's, each month).

But, because I was here, she twisted the entire story from the truth to "I have a blood clot on my brain" and then, "I have an aneurysm", (she still did not know the doctor was talking to me). Once she figured it out, she signed papers to stop the release of information to my brother and I.

But, as my mother has fried her brain with all of the drugs she continued with the lies only now they are a little bit more elaborate. She got mad at my brother and I because we refused to go to the hospital and be at her beck and call (we have been through this countless times, even a few fake suicide attempts like, calling the whole family and telling them I drove her to swallow a bottle of pills (which turned out to be a total of six Tylenol PM's). Do you see a pattern yet? Anyway, once my brother started asking about the details, she said "I have received a blessing from Jesus, and he took my brain clot and cured it, its a miracle".

She also had my family call my brother and berate him over not dropping every thing and standing by her 'death bed'. He was called a "son of a bitch", told they would fly up and "beat his ass" (they know better than to pull that shit with me, because I would welcome such a visit to give an education in ass kicking).

I still cannot believe the level of crazy in my mother. I have ended all contact and will never speak to her again. Because all of this, is because I moved back to my home state (I wish I hadn't).

Right now we are trying to get through the holidays and trying to make it financially, as best as we can. Jim is doing much better with every thing except his breathing. The is a tiny bit of improvement but, the doctor said it could take many months to a year for recovery. We will both have long term damage that is unknown at this time. We will be taking our landlord to court and hopefully she will not be able to hurt another family. I made sure to report her other homes which will be condemned as well, since I took pictures and video of it all. Right before I moved out, I found out from one of my neighbors, that the previous renters (10 years ago), moved out due to "the black mold making her kids sick". She (the landlord) knew about this issue before we ever moved in!

At the beginning of the year, we will be moving again to my best friend's house, so that I can get away from my mother and all of the drama. It doesn't help that where I am currently staying is only 1 damn block from my mother's house, (you have no idea, how much this bothers me).

I look back over the last few month and cannot believe how my life has been turned upside-down. I have cried, gotten angry, and been in disbelief. I may not be able to control the issue of the black mold but, I sure as hell can move far away from my mother.

TTWD is still there but, on pause until Jim feels better. I hope he hurries, because I need a release from all of the stress and ttwd is the only way I can get it. However, living with people may cause us to be more inventive as I do not want to explain ttwd to anyone.

Anyway, I thought I would update all of you and let you know we are okay.

Friday, June 19, 2015

A New House

My blog has been quite because we are doing all the annoying and taxing tasks that come right before a move. I have made every doctor's appointment I can, began shredding paperwork (with a moody paper shredder). My mind and my body is exhausted. 

As some of you know, I live (unhappily) in the southern United States. I have hated it here from the day I moved here. But now an opportunity has come up and we put an offer on a beautiful home in the Southwestern portion of the country. As fate would have it, the offer was accepted within one day (good things come to those that wait)!

I wanted to let everyone know there is a reason I have been absent and not blogging. I will post updates as much as I can manage. Right now stress is high, but J and I are doing great in the area of ttwd. 

I have also decided to go back to college and start working on my Bachelors degree. I found a college that has a degree program that is perfect for me. The only thing is, it starts within three weeks of moving into the new house. It's a lot to take on, but I am up for the challenge. 

So please be patient with me as my routine is chaotic right now. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Little Talks

The little talks we have with one another (as a married couple), can be very telling. Sometimes the talks are plain and boring and full of normal stuff like "Did you remember to call so-and-so?". Some are hot like when he says in no uncertain terms to remove my panties so that he can play when he feels like it, throughout the day. Sometimes, we talk about the boring everyday things that happen and I enjoy it, but what really I like is the talk that happens in the bedroom. The things we say to each other that no other person should hear.

It is through these talks that I have become comfortable with who I am and what I like. Yes, some of it is as far from vanilla as possible. Vanilla has its place, like back when I was in my twenties and trying to figure myself out (God I hated that). But, now I want the real stuff, I want the things that we think to ourselves during sex.

Recently, we have a new rule in place. It is a simple one. If, you think it during sex, you say it. At first, I was a little apprehensive and worried about what J would think. Except, something amazing happened. I let go, he let go, and we have not been the same since. We like the same things, we crave the same things, and it is hot as hell when I look in his eyes as he is pleasuring me and I KNOW what he is thinking. My tummy stirs and it creeps lower and lower until am begging him for release. Only he is like me, and wants to make it last as long as possible. I have learned the technique of multiple orgasms through the guidance of his expertly moving fingers.

My body knows when to whine and bring him to the edge. It is as though my body is possessed by some sex slave that responds only to his touch and eyes dragging me to this newer intoxicating place we go during love making.

Our little talks our telling me, I should have let go sooner. I should have let myself explore the darker parts of myself with him years before. I think I have taken a path I will never let go of, nor will I ever regret.

Be you, be happy. Don't let society, family, friends convince you to ignore what is already within you.

*Side note*
I have not been as graphic as I am naturally inclined to be on my blog, so if the more x-rated version of ttwd is what you want, you may not like what I may post in the future. If, however, you are not offended by intimate details, buckle in and enjoy the ride!

If, you do not like rock, don't listen to this, it might be a little much for ya *wink*

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I am his

I love my man. I love him for who he is, and for who he has been. There is no other man for me, I am his devoted wife, I would push my limits to please him. I would submit as much as he asks for, or demands. I look at his eyes (he has the sexiest bedroom eyes ever seen), and want to drop my panties. His lips have kissed every single inch of my body. His hands have brought pleasure so intense, I thought I was going insane. He has rocked me to sleep, kissed my tears away, and even submitted to me when I was needing it. He is my perfect husband.

Recently, some things have come to light and altered our relationship (ttwd is still 24/7). It has be a rough and beautiful 3 weeks. I stood at a doorway that could have ended it all, I could have walked away, I could have lost it and made his life hell. But, instead, I choose him. With and without faults. I love him so much I cannot bare my life without him. He is my guide, my love, and my rock. He is the balance within myself. 

Once in a while he doubts himself and it scares me. When he is doubtful of something, I begin to panic. Panic does not exist for me as long as his eyes hold calmness for me. But, there was a change in him when he had to reveal some of the past. Although, I was nervous, scared, and unsure, I refused to let those eyes go from being what grounds me, to being something I didn't recognize. I refuse to stop loving because of some mistakes, instead I refuse to give up on him and us. 

I love you J, and I always will. Keep looking at me with those eyes, and I will bring you back.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A Personal Vent

I was recently asked a question by a fellow blogger in an email (Megan at Megan's Sweet Secret). It was concerning honesty. Am I a person that can tell on myself even if, I know I will be in trouble? The answer is without a doubt YES. You see I grew up with people that lied every chance they got. It was out of self-preservation, ego, and stupidity. I REFUSE TO BE THEM.

My mother is a compulsive liar that loves any and all attention that makes her a victim in the eyes of her audience. It disgusted me even as a very young child. I remember back to when I was about 4 1/2 years old, as being the moment I knew my mother was not a good mother. Yes, I was very young, I was also the one at 4 years old that was feeding and changing a baby (my brother) who was hooked up to a heart monitor because he was born with a weak heart (he was a preemie and my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy). I watched her punch her stomach screaming that she did not want, "that asshole's baby". Then I watched her go out and party and hang out with the most disgusting men all while she left me home alone to take care of the baby (his father was gone a well).

Of course, now that I am older, my mother has done some damage control and made me the evil, horrible, and ungrateful child that my whole family (besides my brother), no longer speaks to. After all, I was the one that told my mother she had to be a mother to my brother and make sure he ate and had someone to talk to (since I was 2,000 miles away). Oh but, I so underestimated her. What she did was get mad at me and tell everyone that I was mad at her for not spending money on me (how she got that, I have no friggin clue), I watched it, my brother watched it. So when she knew her argument for continuing to be the beloved victim cover was blown, she decided to tell the whole family that I stressed her out so much she swallowed a bunch of pills and tried to kill herself. Except, she never went to the hospital, and upon being pushed for information she confessed that she only took 3 Tylenol and called it a suicide attempt.

 I watched my mother and her audience as a child and as an adult, and knew I would rather cease to exist than EVER behave as I saw. So now I am a woman that does not lie, nor do I sneak bad behavior and I am an advocate for children from people like her. I stand up for what I believe in, I say no when something in not right, and I am also a little mixed up at times given my history with my family. I try my best, but one thing I know I am okay with is, honesty and truth.

I am proud of who I am. I am proud of not being anything like my family. I was proud when I was a young child and got asked if I was adopted. I was proud because it meant I was not like her. What I have learned as a person that survived being the child of a woman that should never have had children is this: I am not her.

I love my step-kids, I desire a child born from my own body. I desire to be a mother so bad, I get angry with those that do not see the beauty in motherhood. My mother's failure has a mother helped make me a damn good mother, and I am grateful for it.

You see I am not perfect, and I never will be. But, I will always be honest and never repeat the mistakes that hurt me, on another living being as long as my soul exists.

My point is, we are not the product of our childhoods, we are instead the product of what we do with what our childhood was.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Re-testing Limits

I was recently asked what 5 kinky things I am willing to try. Well, that answer is difficult because there is not too much I haven't tried with my husband. During a discussion with Jim I decided to ask him the question posed to me. He was at a loss, I thought.

The conversation we had eventually led to some heavy petting and a week of 8-15 hours of my day every day demanded to be his (when your husband is retired, this is possible). He disallowed panties over the week and kept me in the bedroom (except to cook, and do whatever I needed to do (same for him). I was pampered he ran a bath, shaved my legs. and even my goody (for both our pleasure). I have been cooked for, babied, romanced, been sexually driven to the edge so close I thought I was losing myself.

Of those 8-15 hours per day of playing I was denied orgasm until he was ready to finish himself for the night/morning. Jim is unique in that foreplay is what he loves the most. He loves to ready my body and edge me until I am begging for release. So, as each day began and we consumed enough coffee to become human, or we finished what had to do to maintain our home and life, we would begin to play.

Oh yes, it does.

I was then encouraged to test my limits. Meaning, I was asked to reconsider my hard limits with sex. At first I was nervous, but then I let myself go, on the first night of play. That was all it took, well that and a REALLY and I mean REALLY good orgasm. Jim edged me so close I felt as though I was going to pass out.

I managed to make it a whole week without a discipline spanking. But, I sure enjoyed a ton of play spankings. In my home, play spankings are intense and often harder then punishment. This is not because we are backwards, it is because my body sees discipline as a time of punishment (or whatever one wants to call it). If it is a time of discipline I will whimper and wait for it to be over. However, when it comes to "play time" my pain tolerance is very high. I know many of you are the same, and it makes it nice knowing I can be understood.

I return to blog land thoroughly content from spanking, flogging, playing, and a week of exploring myself. thanks to a simple question posed by Tori at Pain's Pleasure you spurred a great week for me!