Friday, December 18, 2015

Life Throws a Few Punches

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been able to blog!

Life took a strange path and all of our plans went in a direction I was not prepared for. We ended up not getting the house and had to stay in the rental we have been living in for the last 10 years. Jim got sick and started displaying Alzheimer's and I got sicker with my MS (more brain lesions). I was scared for my hubby and terrified I was losing him to a horrible disease. It took a while for us to figure out was wrong. But, the floor in one of my spare bedrooms collapsed and exposed a massive amount of black mold and other molds. My home was under siege. My basement was holding 3,000 gallons of water (which the mold loved). Soon we could not breath and both had trouble thinking.

I immediately contacted my landlady. She bought a sump pump (only after I shamed her on Facebook). We went to the doctor, had lots of tests done. It turned out what we thought was Alzheimer's, was in fact prolonged black mold exposure. I asked the landlord to fix the issue, she did nothing other than to tell me to charge the materials for the floor and fix it myself. We could not, as we were getting sicker and sicker. Jim had his oxygen levels drop with any movement below 90%. I had, had enough. So, I called the city building inspector. Within 10 minutes my home was deemed "not safe for human habitation". The city attorney stepped in and is currently on the case.

I lost almost every thing we owned, The mold took it all. I worked so hard to accumulate my furniture, kept a spotless home, but the mold spores were too much. We walked away with only what could fit in the back of our pick-up and drove to the northwestern part of the country to be near my family (this was a MAJOR mistake).

Remember when I explained my relationship with my mother? Well, when I got here, it got so much worse. My mother suddenly ended up in the hospital, I called and spoke to her doctor, he said it was over-medication of pain killers. They did CT Scans, found nothing wrong other than mother seems to have developed a problem with prescription painkillers (which no doctor had been giving her, instead she convinced my extended family to send her oxy's, Valium, and other narcotic's, each month).

But, because I was here, she twisted the entire story from the truth to "I have a blood clot on my brain" and then, "I have an aneurysm", (she still did not know the doctor was talking to me). Once she figured it out, she signed papers to stop the release of information to my brother and I.

But, as my mother has fried her brain with all of the drugs she continued with the lies only now they are a little bit more elaborate. She got mad at my brother and I because we refused to go to the hospital and be at her beck and call (we have been through this countless times, even a few fake suicide attempts like, calling the whole family and telling them I drove her to swallow a bottle of pills (which turned out to be a total of six Tylenol PM's). Do you see a pattern yet? Anyway, once my brother started asking about the details, she said "I have received a blessing from Jesus, and he took my brain clot and cured it, its a miracle".

She also had my family call my brother and berate him over not dropping every thing and standing by her 'death bed'. He was called a "son of a bitch", told they would fly up and "beat his ass" (they know better than to pull that shit with me, because I would welcome such a visit to give an education in ass kicking).

I still cannot believe the level of crazy in my mother. I have ended all contact and will never speak to her again. Because all of this, is because I moved back to my home state (I wish I hadn't).

Right now we are trying to get through the holidays and trying to make it financially, as best as we can. Jim is doing much better with every thing except his breathing. The is a tiny bit of improvement but, the doctor said it could take many months to a year for recovery. We will both have long term damage that is unknown at this time. We will be taking our landlord to court and hopefully she will not be able to hurt another family. I made sure to report her other homes which will be condemned as well, since I took pictures and video of it all. Right before I moved out, I found out from one of my neighbors, that the previous renters (10 years ago), moved out due to "the black mold making her kids sick". She (the landlord) knew about this issue before we ever moved in!

At the beginning of the year, we will be moving again to my best friend's house, so that I can get away from my mother and all of the drama. It doesn't help that where I am currently staying is only 1 damn block from my mother's house, (you have no idea, how much this bothers me).

I look back over the last few month and cannot believe how my life has been turned upside-down. I have cried, gotten angry, and been in disbelief. I may not be able to control the issue of the black mold but, I sure as hell can move far away from my mother.

TTWD is still there but, on pause until Jim feels better. I hope he hurries, because I need a release from all of the stress and ttwd is the only way I can get it. However, living with people may cause us to be more inventive as I do not want to explain ttwd to anyone.

Anyway, I thought I would update all of you and let you know we are okay.


Friday, June 19, 2015

A New House


My blog has been quite because we are doing all the annoying and taxing tasks that come right before a move. I have made every doctor's appointment I can, began shredding paperwork (with a moody paper shredder). My mind and my body is exhausted. 

As some of you know, I live (unhappily) in the southern United States. I have hated it here from the day I moved here. But now an opportunity has come up and we put an offer on a beautiful home in the Southwestern portion of the country. As fate would have it, the offer was accepted within one day (good things come to those that wait)!

I wanted to let everyone know there is a reason I have been absent and not blogging. I will post updates as much as I can manage. Right now stress is high, but J and I are doing great in the area of ttwd. 

I have also decided to go back to college and start working on my Bachelors degree. I found a college that has a degree program that is perfect for me. The only thing is, it starts within three weeks of moving into the new house. It's a lot to take on, but I am up for the challenge. 


So please be patient with me as my routine is chaotic right now. 


Thursday, June 11, 2015

Little Talks



The little talks we have with one another (as a married couple), can be very telling. Sometimes the talks are plain and boring and full of normal stuff like "Did you remember to call so-and-so?". Some are hot like when he says in no uncertain terms to remove my panties so that he can play when he feels like it, throughout the day. Sometimes, we talk about the boring everyday things that happen and I enjoy it, but what really I like is the talk that happens in the bedroom. The things we say to each other that no other person should hear.

It is through these talks that I have become comfortable with who I am and what I like. Yes, some of it is as far from vanilla as possible. Vanilla has its place, like back when I was in my twenties and trying to figure myself out (God I hated that). But, now I want the real stuff, I want the things that we think to ourselves during sex.

Recently, we have a new rule in place. It is a simple one. If, you think it during sex, you say it. At first, I was a little apprehensive and worried about what J would think. Except, something amazing happened. I let go, he let go, and we have not been the same since. We like the same things, we crave the same things, and it is hot as hell when I look in his eyes as he is pleasuring me and I KNOW what he is thinking. My tummy stirs and it creeps lower and lower until am begging him for release. Only he is like me, and wants to make it last as long as possible. I have learned the technique of multiple orgasms through the guidance of his expertly moving fingers.

My body knows when to whine and bring him to the edge. It is as though my body is possessed by some sex slave that responds only to his touch and eyes dragging me to this newer intoxicating place we go during love making.

Our little talks our telling me, I should have let go sooner. I should have let myself explore the darker parts of myself with him years before. I think I have taken a path I will never let go of, nor will I ever regret.

Be you, be happy. Don't let society, family, friends convince you to ignore what is already within you.

*Side note*
I have not been as graphic as I am naturally inclined to be on my blog, so if the more x-rated version of ttwd is what you want, you may not like what I may post in the future. If, however, you are not offended by intimate details, buckle in and enjoy the ride!

If, you do not like rock, don't listen to this, it might be a little much for ya *wink*

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I am his



I love my man. I love him for who he is, and for who he has been. There is no other man for me, I am his devoted wife, I would push my limits to please him. I would submit as much as he asks for, or demands. I look at his eyes (he has the sexiest bedroom eyes ever seen), and want to drop my panties. His lips have kissed every single inch of my body. His hands have brought pleasure so intense, I thought I was going insane. He has rocked me to sleep, kissed my tears away, and even submitted to me when I was needing it. He is my perfect husband.

Recently, some things have come to light and altered our relationship (ttwd is still 24/7). It has be a rough and beautiful 3 weeks. I stood at a doorway that could have ended it all, I could have walked away, I could have lost it and made his life hell. But, instead, I choose him. With and without faults. I love him so much I cannot bare my life without him. He is my guide, my love, and my rock. He is the balance within myself. 

Once in a while he doubts himself and it scares me. When he is doubtful of something, I begin to panic. Panic does not exist for me as long as his eyes hold calmness for me. But, there was a change in him when he had to reveal some of the past. Although, I was nervous, scared, and unsure, I refused to let those eyes go from being what grounds me, to being something I didn't recognize. I refuse to stop loving because of some mistakes, instead I refuse to give up on him and us. 

I love you J, and I always will. Keep looking at me with those eyes, and I will bring you back.







Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A Personal Vent


I was recently asked a question by a fellow blogger in an email (Megan at Megan's Sweet Secret). It was concerning honesty. Am I a person that can tell on myself even if, I know I will be in trouble? The answer is without a doubt YES. You see I grew up with people that lied every chance they got. It was out of self-preservation, ego, and stupidity. I REFUSE TO BE THEM.

My mother is a compulsive liar that loves any and all attention that makes her a victim in the eyes of her audience. It disgusted me even as a very young child. I remember back to when I was about 4 1/2 years old, as being the moment I knew my mother was not a good mother. Yes, I was very young, I was also the one at 4 years old that was feeding and changing a baby (my brother) who was hooked up to a heart monitor because he was born with a weak heart (he was a preemie and my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy). I watched her punch her stomach screaming that she did not want, "that asshole's baby". Then I watched her go out and party and hang out with the most disgusting men all while she left me home alone to take care of the baby (his father was gone a well).


Of course, now that I am older, my mother has done some damage control and made me the evil, horrible, and ungrateful child that my whole family (besides my brother), no longer speaks to. After all, I was the one that told my mother she had to be a mother to my brother and make sure he ate and had someone to talk to (since I was 2,000 miles away). Oh but, I so underestimated her. What she did was get mad at me and tell everyone that I was mad at her for not spending money on me (how she got that, I have no friggin clue), I watched it, my brother watched it. So when she knew her argument for continuing to be the beloved victim cover was blown, she decided to tell the whole family that I stressed her out so much she swallowed a bunch of pills and tried to kill herself. Except, she never went to the hospital, and upon being pushed for information she confessed that she only took 3 Tylenol and called it a suicide attempt.



 I watched my mother and her audience as a child and as an adult, and knew I would rather cease to exist than EVER behave as I saw. So now I am a woman that does not lie, nor do I sneak bad behavior and I am an advocate for children from people like her. I stand up for what I believe in, I say no when something in not right, and I am also a little mixed up at times given my history with my family. I try my best, but one thing I know I am okay with is, honesty and truth.

I am proud of who I am. I am proud of not being anything like my family. I was proud when I was a young child and got asked if I was adopted. I was proud because it meant I was not like her. What I have learned as a person that survived being the child of a woman that should never have had children is this: I am not her.

I love my step-kids, I desire a child born from my own body. I desire to be a mother so bad, I get angry with those that do not see the beauty in motherhood. My mother's failure has a mother helped make me a damn good mother, and I am grateful for it.

You see I am not perfect, and I never will be. But, I will always be honest and never repeat the mistakes that hurt me, on another living being as long as my soul exists.

My point is, we are not the product of our childhoods, we are instead the product of what we do with what our childhood was.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Re-testing Limits


I was recently asked what 5 kinky things I am willing to try. Well, that answer is difficult because there is not too much I haven't tried with my husband. During a discussion with Jim I decided to ask him the question posed to me. He was at a loss, I thought.

The conversation we had eventually led to some heavy petting and a week of 8-15 hours of my day every day demanded to be his (when your husband is retired, this is possible). He disallowed panties over the week and kept me in the bedroom (except to cook, and do whatever I needed to do (same for him). I was pampered he ran a bath, shaved my legs. and even my goody (for both our pleasure). I have been cooked for, babied, romanced, been sexually driven to the edge so close I thought I was losing myself.

Of those 8-15 hours per day of playing I was denied orgasm until he was ready to finish himself for the night/morning. Jim is unique in that foreplay is what he loves the most. He loves to ready my body and edge me until I am begging for release. So, as each day began and we consumed enough coffee to become human, or we finished what had to do to maintain our home and life, we would begin to play.

Oh yes, it does.

I was then encouraged to test my limits. Meaning, I was asked to reconsider my hard limits with sex. At first I was nervous, but then I let myself go, on the first night of play. That was all it took, well that and a REALLY and I mean REALLY good orgasm. Jim edged me so close I felt as though I was going to pass out.

I managed to make it a whole week without a discipline spanking. But, I sure enjoyed a ton of play spankings. In my home, play spankings are intense and often harder then punishment. This is not because we are backwards, it is because my body sees discipline as a time of punishment (or whatever one wants to call it). If it is a time of discipline I will whimper and wait for it to be over. However, when it comes to "play time" my pain tolerance is very high. I know many of you are the same, and it makes it nice knowing I can be understood.

I return to blog land thoroughly content from spanking, flogging, playing, and a week of exploring myself. thanks to a simple question posed by Tori at Pain's Pleasure you spurred a great week for me!



Friday, May 8, 2015

Perfect Imperfection



Changes are part of life. Without them, life would be boring. I see so many in blog land and some online DD groups discuss the dry spells we all experience at some point. Some wives discuss how to help the situation, while others throw out the ‘maybe we will stop ttwd because hoh is not on the ball enough’. I am always perplexed why stopping it, is easier than sitting down and have a real talk with their hoh. Why is it easier to turn our backs on the one we promised to love in sickness and in health, when things in ttwd slump?

Other times I see DD wives that are envious of some other wives that have the perfect mix of independence and submission. Perhaps one wife has a hoh that is a perfect dom that never makes a mistake, is never annoying, and makes his wife drop to her knees in the most erotic orgasm she has ever had. (Stop laughing, we all read the blogs where everything is so PERFECT).

Yet, it is a false view. We do not think that at the time though. So we take that little picture drawn so lovingly online and compare our lives, husbands, and lifestyle to our own. Of course, ours is never going to look like that. Do you know why?

Because it is the edited, rewritten version of a life, you are allowed to see. It is without the flaws each one of us carries within our minds and souls. Therefore, we are drawn to that perfection. We crave it, and we crave the perfect hoh with perfect domination. Then we begin to think, (oh this can be dangerous). We begin to ask ourselves why our own hoh cannot be like so and so’s hoh. Our vision of the man we promised devotion to begins to look a little tarnished, perhaps his annoying habits were cute at first, or his sensitivity is a bit too much, or he is just not on the ball with ttwd.

Wait a minute, weren’t we happy with our hoh before we started comparing him to the edited version of events in another dd marriage? Did we not go to him and ask for this lifestyle? Did he not agree to adapt to our needs and try his best? Then why start comparing one hoh to another hoh based on the edited, adapted, retelling of events in another marriage?


Happiness starts at home. So remember you do more harm to your own marriage when you demand ttwd be perfect. Our own lives are full of stress, annoyances, and perfect imperfection. We all handle trying times differently. So when things aren't going as you would like, remember you chose him to walk in the journey with you, not someone else’s edited online version of a husband.




Saturday, May 2, 2015

Are you saying you wanna spank me?

This weekend has been hectic and I am running behind on my blog. By chance I saw this funny clip of a spanking scene between Sheldon and Amy today, and thought my fellow spankee's would like it, as much as I did. 



Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Say Hello



Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes other bloggers don't know what to say. Sometimes we speak from our heart, sometimes we speak of our passion for our husbands. Right now many of the DD/ttwd blogs are stagnant. So I am turning to my lurkers to encourage comments/questions (respectful and non-invasive) to pose to their favorite bloggers. Let them know you are reading what they say, let them know when you can empathize and understand whatever it is you relate to within yourself.

Interaction is so critical to keeping the DD/ttwd blogs going. We bloggers all know we could just buy a diary and write the personal details of our lives there. But, instead we broadcast intimate details to the world in hopes we are able to feel connected to others like us, or that we make some of you thinking about DD/ttwd take a step and tell your partner your desires.

So if you are reading this, go take a moment to tell a favorite blogger you like their blog, or ask a question, or simply say something funny. It doesn't matter what you say (respectfully), as long as it is a positive interaction.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Collars?

The heavy duty one.

Every once in a while I am surprised. Last night was one of those times. During some play time Jim, he whispered in my ear while expertly occupying his hands that he would like to see me wear a collar for him. Secretly, I have been intrigued by collars in various aspects of bdsm. So when his words passed through to my brain (it is very difficult to focus when his hands are so busy), I was immediately on high alert.

On one hand, there is the erotic and submissive side to wearing one. But, on the other hand, I don't think I could bare explaining a collar to all of the vanilla people in my life. So this leaves me weighing the pros and the cons to it. I have looked at different styles ranging from heavy duty collaring to necklaces that collar, but are not easily identified as anything but a necklace. I know what I like, but it would not go over well in the Bible Belt (the southern United States), so I am left trying to decide what I want to do.

The more discrete version

I know that there are many alternatives to wearing a collar. One of which, was one I read about on one of my favorite blogs a couple of years ago. Janey over at Him, Me, and Us mentioned an earring that she hoped to have one day that would be engraved with "I obey". You can read about it here. It was after reading her post that I realized I really like her idea and the symbolism. However, trying to convince Jim to let me pierce my ear again may be a bit of a challenge (he hates the I have pierced ears for some reason I can't understand).

At this point, I am think that if I do this and Jim still wants me to wear one for him, I will have to have one I wear everyday that is dismissed as a necklace, then wear the one I really want at home (after dark, when no one will come to our house).

I started wondering what many of you do. Do you wear a collar? Do you want to? Would you, if you could?

Friday, April 24, 2015

His Observations


Over the last few weeks Jim has made some observations. One of these observations, is that I am more in a groove with my submission, than I have been before. I have only received a few punishments that have resulted from rudeness (my weakness is avoiding sarcasm and rudeness). I am also avoiding taking control in everyday life. More asking his opinion before assuming it, and avoiding making decisions without speaking to him (not big stuff, just everyday boring stuff).

Since we have discussed my increase in consistent submission it has been decided that he requires more from me 'now that he knows I can do it'...oh boy! So, here I am facing stronger discipline and more rules. One part of me is proud, and the other is freaking out.

Change always causes stress in me, perhaps, I am more afraid he has more trust in my submission than I can live up to? I hate the look in his eyes when I disappoint. I want to do everything I can to avoid it.

So there have been some new rules added to the major D's and I must say I am happy about it. When I look back on how I was a year ago, I am amazed at how much better I am able to submit without knowing I am submitting. I guess I always thought there would be a defined moment, when such milestones are reached.  This is not to say I am without losing my temper, or forgetting my rules, it just means that I know when I overstep and try to correct actively. But, I really am trying to actively submit.

Here is what I consider Active Submission in my ttwd life:

Today, I did receive a punishment spanking and I am very proud of it. It was one of those moments that I had a choice, I could present myself for punishment, or ignore and avoid punishment. I thought about it for a minute and got up from the sofa and shut and locked the front door. I knew Jim was in the bedroom and I was on a mission. I walked to him and stated that I was presenting myself for punishment (I swear he cracked a teeny tiny smile). He said, "I know" and pointed to the bed. Fear and pride both filled me.

I love this picture of presentation.

"I want your skirt up and panties off."...Smiles? We don't need no stinking smiles! 

I did as I was told, laid across the bed and buried my face into the pillow. He took his time selecting the implement. I sneaked a peek and saw he had selected the oak paddle. One half of me purring and the other is feeling exposed and regretting ratting on herself. I steel myself and get ready for the strikes. I feel Jim's hand go to my lower back to prevent too much movement on my part. 

The next thing I know I am ready to run the moment I feel the paddle smack my bottom. My hands instinctively go to the stingy skin (I know he will probably begin tying my hands in the future, if I keep doing that). I receive a mere two more strikes, but I was breathless and extremely sorry for what I had done (I was not respectful in my speaking to him earlier and he was going to let it slide, by the way).

Jim lowered his head to mine while I was still trying to return to normal, and said "Next time it will be ten, then 20, then...Do you understand?" I nodded in agreement. I was then told that I he was not going to be so easy on me next time, because he knows I can do as agreed upon. I was then released and allowed to put panties back on and lower my skirt. 

I am still proud of facing consequences and not ignoring my ability to submit and my gosh I loved watching the hoh or Dom side of Jim. I am sure many of you at least slightly relish seeing the hoh/Dom come out in your husbands (or wives).

If so, when was the first time you saw that side of your partner?


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Raw Emotions



There is a storm always brewing beneath my submission. I can be and am compliant and will do everything my husband asks of me...eventually. I can cook him a meal fit for a king, clean a home so well you are afraid to be among that level of cleanliness, and be a sex goddess (okay, maybe not that good, but humor me anyway) when ever he asks. I can handle money and be so strict with it Jim goes out of his mind with me 'making do' (its a talent really, never buy anything you want nor things like socks, and shoes even when they have more holes then cloth).

But, there is another side to me (actually there are many more). I want to tell the people off that hurt me. I want to stand up for myself even when I am wrong and looking like an idiot. I want to fix broken relationships and tell people to 'snap out of it' or to 'grow up'. I want to be in...let me see....control.

Alas, I am not wired that way. Instead, I have this mind that thinks and reacts differently, depending on the situation. For example:

I will show defiance to Jim for as long as he lets me (he doesn't allow it often at all). But, I cannot burn a bridge that needs burning, because I think I am addicted to the comfort of the familiar pain it gives me. My birthday was last week (I turned 34), I have found my own birthdays to be a time of extreme emotional pain.

My loving husband kissed me awake and groped me in a way that let me know I am in fact, his sex goddess. I had sweet phone calls from my friends and my brother (the only other sane person in my family). I promised myself I would not let my mother ignoring my birthday once again hurt me. So, I plastered a smile on my face and faced the day with positive and warm fuzzy thoughts. I usually get the phone call a day late with some "I had a headache", or I get no excuse, just a stiff unimportant call from her the next day.

So, knowing this would happened I tried to train my brain to avoid anger, devastation, hurt, sadness, and shock (hey I can try, can't I?).

Hour 2 of my birthday: Happy

Hour 3: Happy, but thoughts of how my mother dislikes me.

Hour 4: Chatty with friends, ignoring the feeling on emptiness.

Hour 5: Looking at clock every ten minutes.

Hour 6: This is where I begin making excuses on her behalf things like...."I am sorry hon, I was in an accident"...or "Surprise! I wanted to come in person and let you know, you are a great daughter"...but, none of that will ever happen.

Hour 7: Strong in my emotions again and level headed

Hour 8: I am in a mode of disbelief, surely no mother can dislike her child this much (oh but yes she can).

Hour 9-12: I begin ignoring that fact that my body was even birthed by another human being. Instead, I decided am here only because my mother is an alien (whom I no memory of), and thought I would learn valuable hurtful lessons I could teach my people safely about, without them ever having to feel the soul torturing pain.

Hour 13: I begin the crying. I check my Facebook a million times just to be sure she really doesn't care. Maybe she left me a message...nope.

Hour 14: I send a simple text to my brother..."she never called". He and I both had talked and knew that all of this would happen. But, it still hurt me and made him feel as though we have been born to a soul-less being he must compensate for.

I begin crying because I have no control of her actions. I have two choices. I can ignore it all and lap up the attention given to me when my mom has something to brag about, Or, I can accept the truth and walk away never exposing myself to her (frankly) shitty way of being a mother.

I once went to a therapist to see if I could fix myself and how I feel about my mother. After three sessions I was told that considering the things my mother has done or caused in my life, I am doing far more for myself than any therapist can do (wait, you mean it is her that is screwed up?).

Sadly, yes it is her. I know it, my family knows it, but my mind and heart refused to believe it. My mother who for some reason thinks it is okay to ignore all of the female children in my family, yet pour attention over the males, and gave birth to me, a female. A female that thinks mothers and daughters should be close, a female that loves her family and has nearly had a complete meltdown over the cruelty of my mother while trying to get her to SEE me.

My mother is the cause of the storm always brewing beneath my submission. Not because I save up the anger, or try to be as she wants me. But, because I struggle with trust, and always see my submission as a reason for someone to use it against me for personal gain.

Then I look in Jim's eyes, his faithful, loving, and strong eyes. I remember I am not crazy for feeling the fear. I listen to Jim's guidance and trying to let go of my expectations. Its not easy though. Because, I am submissive until I remember that each time I left myself at the mercy of another, it has been my downfall and cause of great hurt.

So, a choice has been made. I made it all on my own. I am walking away from my mother. Not because I don't care, but because I need to, in order to survive. I need to focus on those that care, and I need to forgive my years of wasting my time on a futile mission.

Instead, I will be focusing more on ttwd and less of what cannot be changed. So buckle up, and get ready for the ride with me!  


Monday, April 20, 2015

I Go Too Far



I go too far. I am prone to seeing things only my way. So when the mail arrived today and I saw a shut off notice for the water I kinda freaked out and went overboard. I told Jim about it and worked myself into a frenzy about how our water would be shut off if we don't pay the dang bill.

He told me we were fine and he had talked with the water company already. I told him...did not suggest as any good Dd wife would do, that he needed to go take care of it as I had other things needing my attention...Yes, I stupidly did that. Looking back now, I have no idea what the hell got into me. Death wish perhaps? Hormones?

Smug in my ability to get things going and head off financial woes I sit down and call a close friend. I make no mention of the water bill to her...she would have told me I was wrong, anyway! I carry on a normal conversation with her as my dogs start barking because Jim has pulled into the driveway. I unaware of the hurricane on its way to me.

The front door flies open and he has The Look. I am perplex with this for only a second.

"We are going to talk, NOW!" He barks

I hurry off of the phone knowing my friend heard him and will not ask me about it when I call her back unless I bring it up (I adore her).

Phone on the charger, spin around ready to "talk".....yeah, one look in his eyes tells me there will be very little talking. He grabs me by the wrist and to the bedroom we go. I knew I was in for it. Swiftly, I feel my pants and panties yanked down and I wait for his selection of implement...SMACK!

He used his had, I knew I was in for it. You see my man comes from a long line of burly loggers with offspring that reflect the generations of men with large strong bodies, my Jim is no exception. So when he uses his hand to punish it means he is pissed.

Then the lecture begins.

SMACK...You knew better!...SMACK...

SMACK...You made me doubt myself!..SMACK

And just like that, I felt great remorse. Not for my bottom (okay a little), but for what I caused him. I felt horrible. I know what it is like to self-doubt my actions and I just did the same to him.

Submissive wife now engaged.




A Dirty Mind Goes...


A dirty mind goes a long way in ttwd. At least it does in my home. I can see an implement as something that strikes fear in me, or as something that can bring pleasure to my body. It a source of constant entertainment when shopping at the mall or a department store. Jim loves to wander the aisles of a large home and garden center. He always goes straight for the oak dowels, boards, and even some hardware. He does this because he is a talented craftsman, (yes, I just fluffed his ego for him).

I on the other hand love getting lost in the rope and chain aisle, (what can I say here). I love that there are so many types of ropes. Some that express a gentleness and for the novice. Some that challenge our comfort levels, and some that mean business! I like them all. And while I watch Jim pick up a mean looking board/slat there is a part of me that cringes and one that becomes aroused. I know that the pain I may feel later may be more than I believe I can handle, but that I will relish it before and after (sometimes during). I still hate the oak dowel rod with its slim and direct caning effect, but I also love it, (I am just wired that way).



A simple thing such as going to dinner and being around others can be entertaining as well. Jim likes communicating with me using just his eyes, he can also turn me on using just those eyes. He knows this and uses it to the hilt. He enjoys watching me squirm and become embarrassed. I love the hearty laughter that escapes him during this kind of play. I am careful not to order anything that comes with a cherry on top, as I know he loves to tease me about it and make suggestive remarks. His dirty mind is my trigger for relaxation, when he becomes playful, I let go of stress and tension.



A few times, my dirty mind has gotten me in trouble, like when someone says something that can be dirty, and they don't 'get it'. I always feel sorry for people that are lacking in a dirty sense of humor. Seems like a waste of a good laugh to miss and opportunity to spin something dirty on the mundane.

I once read about a study that said those with a dirty mind is a sign of a sharp mind, (one can only hope). Whether that study is correct or not, I find the need to joke around essential to my survival in a world gone crazy.

Here is the study, if you are interested: Sexual Thoughts and the Mind

Monday, April 13, 2015

Life Gets in the Way



Let's face it, life just gets in the way. It stands in the way of what we want to do, rather than what we HAVE to do. As I have mentioned in my last post, I am dealing with an injury. Since the injury, Dd has been avoided so as not to over tax my body anymore then necessary. Throw in a little family drama into the mix and you have a perfect snapshot of my week. I did go and see an orthopedist and get an MRI of my knee. I know that there are two possible outcomes of the test results: Either I will be stuck in a brace for several weeks and begin physical therapy for my knee and my back (unrelated problem), or I will need surgery...Oh, yay for me.

After a one week break from ttwd, I am assured I cannot hold on to my sanity without ttwd. So, I have had to have a talk with Jim and convince him to begin Dd again and help me find a release from the stress. He was being kind and allowing my body to heal and agreed we both need this. So through some modifications we are back on track. Last night was when we broke the dry spell and brought the flogger out.



I am one that will fill myself with anxiety and over-think everything unless I find a release. For me, that is why ttwd works for me. I get a break from myself and the racing thoughts that lead me to days full of anxiety and worry.

So here we are, me laying flat on my stomach burying my face in the pillow and relishing every single blow. The flogger begins to slice through the air and smacks my bottom and my thighs. Jim has been out of sorts without ttwd as well, my moods have been difficult for both of us, (as I have stated before I am a handful). At this point, we are at around 18 blows, (rough guess as I do not count the strikes), his rhythm is perfect and each blow is coming harder than the last one. Ah the relief! Each strike begins releasing tension, worry, and guilt for waiting to set things right. Then...POW! Jim forgets my left knee is still injured.



The leather tails of the flogger smack the back of my knee with vengeance and stored up justice (no, he did not do it on purpose). We both freeze. "Oh shit!" followed by tons of apologies filling my ears. I begin laughing after the shock of the pain and tell him to carry on (not on my knee though).

If, anyone is reading this and considering Dd, please know that these things happen. Ttwd is not perfect and accidents do happen regardless of experience and years of practicing this lifestyle. As for me, I am still glad we decided to stop the break from ttwd and my knee is no worse for wear than it was before.





Monday, April 6, 2015

A Quick Update


Hello all. So much has happened in the last week or so since I have been on. We welcomed a new baby into our family (a nephew) and I have been trying to assist in helping guide the parents on the fascinating issues of how to get a baby to latch for nursing, how often to bathe the baby, and what is normal and what is not.

During this time, I also injured my knee by dislocating it and tearing a couple of ligaments (yay me!). However, since I live in a smaller town getting to an orthopedist is a bit of a challenge. I have to wait until later this week to see the true extent of the damage to my knee. Once things settle down here, I will be able to catch up on all of my blogs and begin to relax again.



On the flip side, this little injury has gotten me out of mowing that dang yard of mine!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Kinky Benefits




Lets face it, no matter what label you prefer, we are considered kinky to all those vanilla lovers. So what does that mean? Shall we forever hide our favored way of life? Or should we point out the benefits to it in a safe manner?

Benefits it is!

Did you know that lifestyles that fall into the categories of bdsm have amazing side effects?

1) Helps improve communication

As trust is mandatory to many of our ttwd lifestyles it ensures we discuss our feelings, emotions, and even dislikes. By doing this, it creates a habit of communication rather than harboring dangerous thoughts that grow out of control.

2) More Intimacy

The act of allowing our partners to spank, flog, or paddle us requires that we trust in our partners. Trust builds intimacy and sexual attraction. Studies also show a beneficial release of endorphin's and serotonin that arise out of couples engaging in various types of bdsm.

3) Fidelity

Studies suggest that couples who practice kink, are less likely to cheat. Personally, I have no clue why one would cheat when everything is right there waiting for you at home.

4) Stress reduction

The act of relinquishing control allows for the submissive to let go of control and whatever is the cause of stress. Spanking can be one of the quickest ways to to turn stress off (works for me).



The list is ever growing, but I thought I would stop short and invite my readers to add to the list of benefits to Dd/ttwd/bdsm or whatever it is you call it.



Bloggers are Neat

Thank you Delfonte for nominating me.



Basic rules:

1)  Put the award logo in your post
2)  Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you
3)  Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs
4)  Let them know you nominated them

Questions:

1) If there was space left in your wardrobe, where would you love to go shopping?

Lane Bryant for clothing actually designed for women with fluff.

2) Which side of the road do you drive on and have you ever driven on the "wrong" side (ie gone abroad and driven). If you haven't, would you cope?

The right side. No I never have. I could not do the left. I think if I was thrust into something like that I would have a meltdown end up in tears and hand the keys to my husband.

3) If ability was no hindrance, which language in the world (past or present) would you like to learn and why?

Latin. I find its sound beautiful and strong. I would love to read and speak it, to have the ability to read historical text.

4) If you could go to any art gallery or museum in the world, which paintings would you picked to put up in your house? No more than three, don't be greedy!

I love art, so choosing just three is difficult! I also have very eclectic tastes in art.

Gustave Dore's Andromeda

Salvador Dali's The Persistence of Memory

The statue of The Greek Slave (I know its not a painting but I love it)

5) If you were told to go door to door to sell kink/TTWD to a vanilla stranger, what would be the one thing you think is the most important to convey. 

Simply, that it lets you release emotions/urges the are often withheld and hidden just beneath the surface of all human beings.

6) Sex in a shower, hot tub or outdoor pool - any preferences?

In the shower and often. I get the willies thinking of the germs left in pools and hot tubs by other people doing just that.

7) What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?

Hmm...lets see. I am not a romance kinda lady. So I am really easy to please. But, one day I was woken up with a cup of coffee, taken to breakfast, taken on a shopping spree (small as I am not a spender), dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant, given a full body massage (I think he did that for himself), and told to rest in bed the rest of the evening. I was not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom. I watched movies all night.

Now for my questions:

1) What is your favorite ethnic food?

2) Would you ever considered telling someone about DD/twdd to someone in real life you thought was headed toward divorce?

3) If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?

4) What is your favorite television show?

5) Are you a dog or cat person?

6) If you could have any career, (even if your retired) what would it be?

7) What are your strongest/weakest points within yourself?


Now for my nominations:

Megan

Jennelle

Lil

Meredith (just in case you have time before you leave)

Janey

Friday, March 27, 2015

Facing the Fate



As I mentioned in my last two posts, I happened to get myself in hot water with Jim (something I am very good at). You can read about it here if would like.

Anyway, there I was convinced that my behavior was excusable and justified and holding my head high. I continued to push, spit vile words, and even say the worst words EVER: "maybe we should just stop ttwd!" yes, my mouth did in fact runneth over.

I threw myself around, I nagged, I pointed out flaws all while ignoring my own. I stood tall in my argument against it all, and then the look happened. You know 'the look', the one that can stop you in your tracks and play back the last 24 hours of your life in a flash. The one that says, you are going to pay for whatever it was you just did.



Oh I put on a big show of defiance, acted like I could combat an army and win all on my own. By this time I was in the kitchen, Jim moved so quick my brain could not register the shift in power fast enough. I am a full 12 inches shorter than my husband's square  6'1" frame, so when he is mad, there is no question about it.

Jim grabbed my wrist and dragged me willing and unwillingly (cause I am weird like that when I am mad) to the bedroom.

Once we passed through the doorway to the bedroom, he pointed to the bed "take your panties down, now".



One part of me knowing I could not get out of it, and the other part of me relieved his was taking back control. I complied with his demand. Skirt off, and panties dropped to the floor. I still felt the brat trying to surface but, tried to ignore her as much as possible.

There is a mirror at the head of our bed, that was unintentionally placed there on the wall years before we rearranged the bedroom, that allows for some fun kind of play. However, I hate that mirror when I am in trouble because Jim makes me answer him while looking up at the mirror at his and my reflection, which means if I don't avert my eyes in time, I have to watch the strike coming while being lectured.    



He used his favorite oak paddle, reserved for when I am in deep shit. I laid burying my face in me pillow to muffle my protests. Smack, lecture, smack, smack, lecture, smack smack, lecture, smack Smack, lecture again.

I was given a break from my punishment, for about an hour before it continued.

Only, this time he snuck up on me while I was in the bedroom getting something and I sassed. One look in his eye and I knew I had done it, he decided to use his hand this time. Jim is a man with very large strong hands so a hand spanking is not an easy punishment, in fact it hurts like a SOB. I cried, I cried hard. Now to anyone else this would not be a big deal, but I do NOT cry. I was a mess of emotions. Sore ass, mad, sad, disappointed in myself, guilty, and a blubbering mess, all while realizing I was crying! Jim noticed the tears and said something about it being a wonderful thing that I was crying, that I was letting go, I was letting myself feel. I use numbing to cope with stress.



Pride filled me, and I spent some time in the arms of my loving husband, aftercare is very important.

Later in the evening, Jim and I shut the world out and spent over 5 hours in the bedroom talking. Which means he talks, I talk, he plays, I give. Some of the talk was about the core of what happened, some was about rules we will be adding.

And then the talk turned into me laying there my whole body exposed to him and for him. His fingers dancing on my tender flesh, bringing me to the edge and denying any release for several hours, I love this kind of punishment. When he does this, it is like a drug to me, I will and do, do anything he asks of me. Sometimes, I even get lucky and am commanded to do what he wants or needs.

We stayed up into wee hours of the morning (a perk to Jim being retired), and finally I was given a release so intense it brought tears to my eyes, I was then commanded to top from the bottom in the good kinda way.





Clearing the Air



After a few days of tension and a build-up of unsaid things, we have cleared the air, oh how I love how he soothes my body after stress. I have not said the most polite things to him during this time of tension (believe me he evened the score using the flesh of my bottom). I was irrational, rude, and a downright brat. I push him to his limits, I pointed out flaws, and I ignored his attempts to calm my mood (all in one day). But, yesterday all was forgiven after hours of talking. He forgives me, but I am still angry at myself for letting myself go that far.

When Jim and I started ttwd I would see times of arguments as a failure of submission on my part and would become saturated in a self imposed guilt. Flash forward to now and I see things a little differently. Arguments are never a "Good" thing but, they do serve a purpose. They test the relationship, they create opportunities, they even can pry toxic thoughts out of our minds and lay them on the table for us to tend.

If handled properly by the HOH, it lets the submissive bare her soul to her mate. Oh yes, we all know that we will not get away with our behavior. That punishment will happen, and the flesh of our bottoms will feel the disappointment of our hoh, but in this environment we know we are safe. We are safe from harm, and from our own demons when our hoh is strong in his leadership.

Ttwd does not come with an instruction booklet, it is not perfect, feelings often get in the way. But, there is so much reward in this lifestyle. Society may have other opinions about our lifestyles, but we are the one's living them and it is our choice. It is our choice to say we don't like how things our between husbands and wives most modern marriages. It is our choice to be led by the person we promised our faithful love to. It is our choice to strengthen our marriages by bringing a little kink and play to the bedroom (okay maybe a lot of kink and play).

I remember when Jim and I started ttwd. I would read everything I could about Dd. Problems would come up and I would look to see how others dealt with their mistakes and thoughts. More often than not, I came up empty handed, until I found the world of bloggers.

I do not regret the frustration of trying to find the answers and coming up with nothing. Nor do I see the point in spreading the word about ttwd to everyone. Instead, I see our corner of the internet as welcoming to those that need guidance or have questions. In time, wives and husbands will find this part of blog land IF they stick with it and seek out the answers to their desires, needs, and urges to be in a DD type relationship.

Side note: I will be posting an upcoming post about the more intimate portion of setting things straight in my home. So if you have time, check back and sit for a spell and enjoy the personal side of ttwd.












Thursday, March 26, 2015

My Mouth Runneth Over



Yesterday was an awful day. It was one of those days that even my own skin was pissing me off. The world seemed to decide that stupidity was going to be the mask everyone wore, I hate those kind of days. I was annoyed at pretty much everything. And so, my mouth decided to take a trip down the rabbit hole (I love Alice in Wonderland in case you haven't noticed).

I decided it was my job to point out everything wrong in our life, and that I was going to correct the issues all on my own. Except, that is not how things are run around here, maybe in the past before Dd, but not now. I have no excuse for my nagging, complaints, outbursts, and general bitchy attitude. 

I have been hesitant to relay my poor behavior here on my blog, until today. It is not fair of me to only share the easy pleasurable side of ttwd, and leave out the unplanned complex issues I struggle with. 

In all honestly, everything would be fine IF I would learn to shut my mouth when I am upset. You know, the 'think before you speak' thing we all teach our kids? Well, it seems I was a better teacher than I was a student on that subject. 



So while I was on my rampage against the world for pissing me off, I forgot that my tone was not where it should be. So, instead of adjusting it, I decided screw it, and kept going. I bitched, complained, sassed, and even went farther when I saw he was trying to stay calm, once again I am my own worst enemy. Jim gave me time alone to calm myself and busied himself in the other room, he even came in with a cup of coffee to share. But, did I gracefully accept and speak in a nice loving tone deserving of Jim's care? Nope.

Instead, I said: I don't want your fucking coffee! Then I proceeded to point out his flaws....Yes, I know.



Yes, I said that. I went from bitchy and annoyed, to the whole world can shove it! I have no idea why I acted the way I did, and even if I did, it would not excuse any of my behavior. 

Shockingly, Jim maintained calmness through it all, he did not stop me either. What he did do though was create that invisible list of things I have done and saved it up until today. As I sit here with my stinging butt, I know that I have more to come for my actions (as should be), I will be receiving a continuation of my punishment because it cannot be given in one over the bed session without causing trouble walking (again as it should be). 


 Punishment implements our harsh in our home.
 
I would like to clarify that punishment in my home is harsh because I am a slight Masochist and pain is at times a good kind of pleasure for me. But, when punishment is not play, I take it painfully and seriously. I guess only those that do ttwd will understand.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Rant


This world we live in gives young people a preset pathway to shallowness, vanity, and lack of empathy. As a Teenager, I remember feeling like I was in a twisted episode of Alice in Wonderland whenever I tried to hang out with people my own age. I was left with a view of teenagers as nothing more than big babies incapable of acting as normal human beings. Of course, this was 18 or so years ago. My how things have changed. It got worse.

Each day I log in to my personal Facebook page and have those moments of: 'if I was your mother, I would...". As usual, I bite my tongue roll my eyes and think time will teach the lesson. But then, there are those moments I simply CANNOT bite my tongue. Those moments when, I see a 17 year old girl drop out of high school, get a tattoo, sleep around and brag, and get into drugs, and no one does a thing except to excuse her behavior as "She is just young".

I think to myself, what the hell happened to this world, why is this okay? We all know what is, but we don't want to discuss it, because of differing opinions on, you guessed it: DISCIPLINE.



As a child, I craved structured discipline. Those around me did not know what real discipline was, they knew what abuse was, but not discipline. So it was up to me to discipline myself, which for a young girl, was not to bad. I would ground myself, avoid things I loved if I caught myself lying, or doing something that was frown on by my grandmother (who was he only sane person in my family). I would ask my mother, if she should be doing something, if I thought it was something sneaky, wrong, or dangerous (an all to common thing for her). But, here's the thing, I was Five when I started do that.

So, while I understand that youth sometimes means ignorance, I am at a loss for how we as a society excuse the behavior of the young. When did it become okay to stop teaching young people to act as good human beings? When did it become taboo to instill structure, discipline, and to expect greatness?

I know I am posing most of this as questions, but I would really like to know the answer.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Random Five

Since, Lani and Megan posted a random fact post about themselves, I thought I would join in. So *Insert drum roll sound here* here is my random five:

I am (believe it or not) a licensed/ordained non-denominational female minister (you can stop laughing now).



I raised my brother as my son before and after I was married, he calls us mom and dad when he is in a good mood.



I went from a 4th grade education to a college graduate with a GPA of 3.94 in a span of 2 1/2 years counting the one week it took to earn my GED



Lying is the surest way to make me go from nice lady to a full on raging bitch with the goal of exposing said lie (hence the reason I  rarely speak to my mother).



I can build a house, install a new roof, build a deck, work on cars, and still be a lady.



Questions?