Monday, March 30, 2015

Kinky Benefits




Lets face it, no matter what label you prefer, we are considered kinky to all those vanilla lovers. So what does that mean? Shall we forever hide our favored way of life? Or should we point out the benefits to it in a safe manner?

Benefits it is!

Did you know that lifestyles that fall into the categories of bdsm have amazing side effects?

1) Helps improve communication

As trust is mandatory to many of our ttwd lifestyles it ensures we discuss our feelings, emotions, and even dislikes. By doing this, it creates a habit of communication rather than harboring dangerous thoughts that grow out of control.

2) More Intimacy

The act of allowing our partners to spank, flog, or paddle us requires that we trust in our partners. Trust builds intimacy and sexual attraction. Studies also show a beneficial release of endorphin's and serotonin that arise out of couples engaging in various types of bdsm.

3) Fidelity

Studies suggest that couples who practice kink, are less likely to cheat. Personally, I have no clue why one would cheat when everything is right there waiting for you at home.

4) Stress reduction

The act of relinquishing control allows for the submissive to let go of control and whatever is the cause of stress. Spanking can be one of the quickest ways to to turn stress off (works for me).



The list is ever growing, but I thought I would stop short and invite my readers to add to the list of benefits to Dd/ttwd/bdsm or whatever it is you call it.



Bloggers are Neat

Thank you Delfonte for nominating me.



Basic rules:

1)  Put the award logo in your post
2)  Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you
3)  Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs
4)  Let them know you nominated them

Questions:

1) If there was space left in your wardrobe, where would you love to go shopping?

Lane Bryant for clothing actually designed for women with fluff.

2) Which side of the road do you drive on and have you ever driven on the "wrong" side (ie gone abroad and driven). If you haven't, would you cope?

The right side. No I never have. I could not do the left. I think if I was thrust into something like that I would have a meltdown end up in tears and hand the keys to my husband.

3) If ability was no hindrance, which language in the world (past or present) would you like to learn and why?

Latin. I find its sound beautiful and strong. I would love to read and speak it, to have the ability to read historical text.

4) If you could go to any art gallery or museum in the world, which paintings would you picked to put up in your house? No more than three, don't be greedy!

I love art, so choosing just three is difficult! I also have very eclectic tastes in art.

Gustave Dore's Andromeda

Salvador Dali's The Persistence of Memory

The statue of The Greek Slave (I know its not a painting but I love it)

5) If you were told to go door to door to sell kink/TTWD to a vanilla stranger, what would be the one thing you think is the most important to convey. 

Simply, that it lets you release emotions/urges the are often withheld and hidden just beneath the surface of all human beings.

6) Sex in a shower, hot tub or outdoor pool - any preferences?

In the shower and often. I get the willies thinking of the germs left in pools and hot tubs by other people doing just that.

7) What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?

Hmm...lets see. I am not a romance kinda lady. So I am really easy to please. But, one day I was woken up with a cup of coffee, taken to breakfast, taken on a shopping spree (small as I am not a spender), dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant, given a full body massage (I think he did that for himself), and told to rest in bed the rest of the evening. I was not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom. I watched movies all night.

Now for my questions:

1) What is your favorite ethnic food?

2) Would you ever considered telling someone about DD/twdd to someone in real life you thought was headed toward divorce?

3) If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?

4) What is your favorite television show?

5) Are you a dog or cat person?

6) If you could have any career, (even if your retired) what would it be?

7) What are your strongest/weakest points within yourself?


Now for my nominations:

Megan

Jennelle

Lil

Meredith (just in case you have time before you leave)

Janey

Friday, March 27, 2015

Facing the Fate



As I mentioned in my last two posts, I happened to get myself in hot water with Jim (something I am very good at). You can read about it here if would like.

Anyway, there I was convinced that my behavior was excusable and justified and holding my head high. I continued to push, spit vile words, and even say the worst words EVER: "maybe we should just stop ttwd!" yes, my mouth did in fact runneth over.

I threw myself around, I nagged, I pointed out flaws all while ignoring my own. I stood tall in my argument against it all, and then the look happened. You know 'the look', the one that can stop you in your tracks and play back the last 24 hours of your life in a flash. The one that says, you are going to pay for whatever it was you just did.



Oh I put on a big show of defiance, acted like I could combat an army and win all on my own. By this time I was in the kitchen, Jim moved so quick my brain could not register the shift in power fast enough. I am a full 12 inches shorter than my husband's square  6'1" frame, so when he is mad, there is no question about it.

Jim grabbed my wrist and dragged me willing and unwillingly (cause I am weird like that when I am mad) to the bedroom.

Once we passed through the doorway to the bedroom, he pointed to the bed "take your panties down, now".



One part of me knowing I could not get out of it, and the other part of me relieved his was taking back control. I complied with his demand. Skirt off, and panties dropped to the floor. I still felt the brat trying to surface but, tried to ignore her as much as possible.

There is a mirror at the head of our bed, that was unintentionally placed there on the wall years before we rearranged the bedroom, that allows for some fun kind of play. However, I hate that mirror when I am in trouble because Jim makes me answer him while looking up at the mirror at his and my reflection, which means if I don't avert my eyes in time, I have to watch the strike coming while being lectured.    



He used his favorite oak paddle, reserved for when I am in deep shit. I laid burying my face in me pillow to muffle my protests. Smack, lecture, smack, smack, lecture, smack smack, lecture, smack Smack, lecture again.

I was given a break from my punishment, for about an hour before it continued.

Only, this time he snuck up on me while I was in the bedroom getting something and I sassed. One look in his eye and I knew I had done it, he decided to use his hand this time. Jim is a man with very large strong hands so a hand spanking is not an easy punishment, in fact it hurts like a SOB. I cried, I cried hard. Now to anyone else this would not be a big deal, but I do NOT cry. I was a mess of emotions. Sore ass, mad, sad, disappointed in myself, guilty, and a blubbering mess, all while realizing I was crying! Jim noticed the tears and said something about it being a wonderful thing that I was crying, that I was letting go, I was letting myself feel. I use numbing to cope with stress.



Pride filled me, and I spent some time in the arms of my loving husband, aftercare is very important.

Later in the evening, Jim and I shut the world out and spent over 5 hours in the bedroom talking. Which means he talks, I talk, he plays, I give. Some of the talk was about the core of what happened, some was about rules we will be adding.

And then the talk turned into me laying there my whole body exposed to him and for him. His fingers dancing on my tender flesh, bringing me to the edge and denying any release for several hours, I love this kind of punishment. When he does this, it is like a drug to me, I will and do, do anything he asks of me. Sometimes, I even get lucky and am commanded to do what he wants or needs.

We stayed up into wee hours of the morning (a perk to Jim being retired), and finally I was given a release so intense it brought tears to my eyes, I was then commanded to top from the bottom in the good kinda way.





Clearing the Air



After a few days of tension and a build-up of unsaid things, we have cleared the air, oh how I love how he soothes my body after stress. I have not said the most polite things to him during this time of tension (believe me he evened the score using the flesh of my bottom). I was irrational, rude, and a downright brat. I push him to his limits, I pointed out flaws, and I ignored his attempts to calm my mood (all in one day). But, yesterday all was forgiven after hours of talking. He forgives me, but I am still angry at myself for letting myself go that far.

When Jim and I started ttwd I would see times of arguments as a failure of submission on my part and would become saturated in a self imposed guilt. Flash forward to now and I see things a little differently. Arguments are never a "Good" thing but, they do serve a purpose. They test the relationship, they create opportunities, they even can pry toxic thoughts out of our minds and lay them on the table for us to tend.

If handled properly by the HOH, it lets the submissive bare her soul to her mate. Oh yes, we all know that we will not get away with our behavior. That punishment will happen, and the flesh of our bottoms will feel the disappointment of our hoh, but in this environment we know we are safe. We are safe from harm, and from our own demons when our hoh is strong in his leadership.

Ttwd does not come with an instruction booklet, it is not perfect, feelings often get in the way. But, there is so much reward in this lifestyle. Society may have other opinions about our lifestyles, but we are the one's living them and it is our choice. It is our choice to say we don't like how things our between husbands and wives most modern marriages. It is our choice to be led by the person we promised our faithful love to. It is our choice to strengthen our marriages by bringing a little kink and play to the bedroom (okay maybe a lot of kink and play).

I remember when Jim and I started ttwd. I would read everything I could about Dd. Problems would come up and I would look to see how others dealt with their mistakes and thoughts. More often than not, I came up empty handed, until I found the world of bloggers.

I do not regret the frustration of trying to find the answers and coming up with nothing. Nor do I see the point in spreading the word about ttwd to everyone. Instead, I see our corner of the internet as welcoming to those that need guidance or have questions. In time, wives and husbands will find this part of blog land IF they stick with it and seek out the answers to their desires, needs, and urges to be in a DD type relationship.

Side note: I will be posting an upcoming post about the more intimate portion of setting things straight in my home. So if you have time, check back and sit for a spell and enjoy the personal side of ttwd.












Thursday, March 26, 2015

My Mouth Runneth Over



Yesterday was an awful day. It was one of those days that even my own skin was pissing me off. The world seemed to decide that stupidity was going to be the mask everyone wore, I hate those kind of days. I was annoyed at pretty much everything. And so, my mouth decided to take a trip down the rabbit hole (I love Alice in Wonderland in case you haven't noticed).

I decided it was my job to point out everything wrong in our life, and that I was going to correct the issues all on my own. Except, that is not how things are run around here, maybe in the past before Dd, but not now. I have no excuse for my nagging, complaints, outbursts, and general bitchy attitude. 

I have been hesitant to relay my poor behavior here on my blog, until today. It is not fair of me to only share the easy pleasurable side of ttwd, and leave out the unplanned complex issues I struggle with. 

In all honestly, everything would be fine IF I would learn to shut my mouth when I am upset. You know, the 'think before you speak' thing we all teach our kids? Well, it seems I was a better teacher than I was a student on that subject. 



So while I was on my rampage against the world for pissing me off, I forgot that my tone was not where it should be. So, instead of adjusting it, I decided screw it, and kept going. I bitched, complained, sassed, and even went farther when I saw he was trying to stay calm, once again I am my own worst enemy. Jim gave me time alone to calm myself and busied himself in the other room, he even came in with a cup of coffee to share. But, did I gracefully accept and speak in a nice loving tone deserving of Jim's care? Nope.

Instead, I said: I don't want your fucking coffee! Then I proceeded to point out his flaws....Yes, I know.



Yes, I said that. I went from bitchy and annoyed, to the whole world can shove it! I have no idea why I acted the way I did, and even if I did, it would not excuse any of my behavior. 

Shockingly, Jim maintained calmness through it all, he did not stop me either. What he did do though was create that invisible list of things I have done and saved it up until today. As I sit here with my stinging butt, I know that I have more to come for my actions (as should be), I will be receiving a continuation of my punishment because it cannot be given in one over the bed session without causing trouble walking (again as it should be). 


 Punishment implements our harsh in our home.
 
I would like to clarify that punishment in my home is harsh because I am a slight Masochist and pain is at times a good kind of pleasure for me. But, when punishment is not play, I take it painfully and seriously. I guess only those that do ttwd will understand.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Rant


This world we live in gives young people a preset pathway to shallowness, vanity, and lack of empathy. As a Teenager, I remember feeling like I was in a twisted episode of Alice in Wonderland whenever I tried to hang out with people my own age. I was left with a view of teenagers as nothing more than big babies incapable of acting as normal human beings. Of course, this was 18 or so years ago. My how things have changed. It got worse.

Each day I log in to my personal Facebook page and have those moments of: 'if I was your mother, I would...". As usual, I bite my tongue roll my eyes and think time will teach the lesson. But then, there are those moments I simply CANNOT bite my tongue. Those moments when, I see a 17 year old girl drop out of high school, get a tattoo, sleep around and brag, and get into drugs, and no one does a thing except to excuse her behavior as "She is just young".

I think to myself, what the hell happened to this world, why is this okay? We all know what is, but we don't want to discuss it, because of differing opinions on, you guessed it: DISCIPLINE.



As a child, I craved structured discipline. Those around me did not know what real discipline was, they knew what abuse was, but not discipline. So it was up to me to discipline myself, which for a young girl, was not to bad. I would ground myself, avoid things I loved if I caught myself lying, or doing something that was frown on by my grandmother (who was he only sane person in my family). I would ask my mother, if she should be doing something, if I thought it was something sneaky, wrong, or dangerous (an all to common thing for her). But, here's the thing, I was Five when I started do that.

So, while I understand that youth sometimes means ignorance, I am at a loss for how we as a society excuse the behavior of the young. When did it become okay to stop teaching young people to act as good human beings? When did it become taboo to instill structure, discipline, and to expect greatness?

I know I am posing most of this as questions, but I would really like to know the answer.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Random Five

Since, Lani and Megan posted a random fact post about themselves, I thought I would join in. So *Insert drum roll sound here* here is my random five:

I am (believe it or not) a licensed/ordained non-denominational female minister (you can stop laughing now).



I raised my brother as my son before and after I was married, he calls us mom and dad when he is in a good mood.



I went from a 4th grade education to a college graduate with a GPA of 3.94 in a span of 2 1/2 years counting the one week it took to earn my GED



Lying is the surest way to make me go from nice lady to a full on raging bitch with the goal of exposing said lie (hence the reason I  rarely speak to my mother).



I can build a house, install a new roof, build a deck, work on cars, and still be a lady.



Questions?

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Identity



Love is a complex thing all humans seek, whether they admit it, or not. For me, love came when I was not looking for it, it just happened. I am so glad my life led me to Jim. I honestly can say my life would have been a miserable one without him to guide me.

I spent years trying to find who I was through music, reading, trying new, and sometimes odd hobbies. I even once threatened to dye my hair silver and pink, looking back I have no idea why I wanted to. I used to get so frustrated that everyone seemed to know who the were, and I was off on the side line grasping for my identity.



I will confess, this process lasted far longer than it should have. It was my fault. I was the one that chose to only look for an identity that fit the standards of others. While the journey to self identity was long and difficult, it has led me to a place within myself that lets me relax inside my own skin. So what, if I don't fit into a category established by those that stay safely behind the walls they build for us.

But, then one day I decided that I would be honest with myself. Overnight (it seemed), I was a little happier, I began to tell Jim the things I liked, wanted, and needed. He listened. I talked some more and discovered that I will never fit into one of those preordained categories. So now, I simply accept the mix of likes and dislikes within me. I started let myself enjoy things, I had denied myself.



The brain is an amazing organ, it can create an unwritten journal of our phases, and identity. It allows us to look back on our triumphs, let downs, and our very own version of craziness. It allows love to be a part of our lives through pheromones, feelings, and even those things that no medical book can describe. It can also, lead us to self doubt, hatred, and confusion of the difference between what we like and what society says is abnormal. It is also our worst enemy, it is full of doubt, it makes us question ourselves, it even make us have moments of utter insanity in times of extreme stress.

But, we have a choice. We can accept the existing categories and try to uncomfortably shove ourselves in and live a mediocre life. Or, we can plow through and create our own category and leave room for edits in the future. I choose my own category. I choose to be free of the confines placed on me by being a woman, a wife, a mother. I instead, will be a sex goddess to my husband, I will enjoy the sting of leather on my ass, I will enjoy the mental orgasm that comes when Jim gently forces me to my knees.

I will enjoy the kinkiness of my marriage, my lifestyle, and my online friends blogging about their likes and dislikes that go against the grain of society. Because, I can.

How about you?

Thanks to Tori at Pain's Pleasure and her Kink and Vanilla post for inspiring this post.






He has Forgotten

Something occurred to me today. There is a new implement that has been acquired that has been forgotten by him. As I write this, it is sitting on the floor of my car in the back row of seats (sadly, I drive a minivan when I would rather drive a big ass truck). How could he forget? Easy. We had a very busy dad this week that involved my errands and a friends errands we drove her to. It just so happened I had to stop by the place I bought my mattress from and my friend going to pay for a new bed for herself. Well, as we were walking out of the mattress store Jim spotted something.

I didn't want to follow and continued walking to the car. I opened the car door and looked at him coming out of the mattress store with a huge grin that expressed his pleasure in what had caught his attention.



I see for some mind-blowing coincidence the mattress store is giving away 3 foot wooden yardsticks. My eyes grow with shock and a little anger at the sheer dumb luck of finding his new toy at the friggin mattress store! I mean come on!

By this time my friend comes out of the store and says "Hey, where did you get that?" He tells her and she then runs back into to claim her find. She is happy because she found some useless item the was free.

He is happy because he is envisioning the slap of the yard stick against my bare skin. And all I can think is please do not let one of them make a joke about swatting an ass (yes, it could happen we joke often).

So here I sit, knowing that sucker is in the car and he has forgotten about it, until now. You see he has just read this over my shoulder and now remembers the new toy. Perhaps, he will wait but it is more than likely that yardstick will be in this house before the sun goes down.

Also, I would like to know how the one mattress store I chose to go to, is the only one in the world giving away 3 foot yardsticks!

Friday, March 20, 2015

The First Dd Spanking



It has been gently brought to my attention that I have not written too much about the spankings and punishments I receive from Jim. At first, I got lost reading all about some of your experiences and forgot to write about my spankings. And then, I started getting nervous about how it would be received (like I have stated before I am my own worst enemy).

Jim and I have always been into kink (as some call it). Spanking in bed was always welcome and thoroughly enjoyed. It is how I learned I am one that has a very high pain/pleasure tolerance (believe me it is a blessing). We even enjoyed some role-play (a personal favorite). But, I was not to happy with the 'Just during bedtime' aspect. I wanted it all of the time.

Then Dd entered our lives. So in response to Meredith and Stormy I will describe the first spanking I received after starting ttwd (not the kinkiest I have had, though).

I had a bad attitude on this particular day. I was bitchy and dominating. I had also forgot that Dd was now implemented, not my smartest moment. So on a triad about how he never listens too me and I always have to bare the weight on my shoulders of our problems. And then I looked up, Jim had an look than made my heart drop to my stomach. He grabbed me by the arm and said "THAT is enough, you are not going to do this", I had a split second thought thinking I would fight it, but then I steeled myself and faced the fact that I asked for THIS.

So, I followed him into the bedroom where he pointed me to the bed and said "Strip." I proceeded to remove my clothing and lay across the bed. He walked to the side of the bed and grabbed the hairbrush.

He stood there holding the brush and lecturing me,"you have been a bad girl and you know what happens to bad girls, don't you?" I laid there on my stomach in the middle of the bed scared, excited, and honestly a bit turned on (okay maybe a lot).

Lost in the moment I here him say "Answer me! WHACK! My breath knocked out of me as the very first blow hit. The sting was intense and I had a mix of emotions. One part of me wanted to beg for him not to do it again, and the other part wanted to raise my ass to the blow and meet it like a greedy good girl.

I panted out a response of "yes" was all I managed.

"yes, what?" WHACK.

"Yes, I know what happens to bad girls." Part of me is questioning why I am turned on and why I am wanting my husband to do this, and the other is waving her freak flag and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

I am then given 8 more smacks with the hair brush to complete my punishment. Once I catch my breath I sneak and look over at Jim and see that the punishment has caused some unexpected pleasure which of course leads to some very fun aftercare and play.



While my punishment does not always lead to erotic love making it does happen in my life even if I do not intend it to happen. I really do try to keep play and punishment apart, but my brain is not going along with this separation as I would like. I can be bitchy and angry and be deserving of a harsh punishment, but when that blow slaps my flesh I become a calm creature willing to do anything to please Jim.

I know some people are able to keep the punishment and play separate I however, tend to allow it to cross over a bit. I have some exceptions though like when it is a really bad thing I have done like saying FUCK YOU in anger to Jim (yes, I stupidly have done that).

So this is me, I am a traditional type wife living ttwd that can be completely turned on by my husbands and my lifestyle.





Thursday, March 19, 2015

Being a Wife



I love being a wife. I remember watching the mistakes of my mother and the other women in my family and thinking how awful it must be to hate being a so-called traditional wife. I loved caring for children and it took some getting used to when my stepchildren were married, and on their own. I missed the large weekend breakfasts cooked with the easy listening station on the hi-fi stereo (it took us a while to embrace technology), to gently wake the other's in the household to the smell of pancakes and bacon and the sound of Journey emitting from the old stereo.

The pride I felt before Jim retired and would come home to a spotless home and dinner either cooking or waiting for him was part of a need to please him. I knew I was different from most everyone else in my family or friends. While my friends were trying to get me to go to the club or bar I was declining and staying home with Jim.  Some friends I lost because I was not willing to go out and get drunk at a bar.

Instead, I took that time I could have spent at a club or sitting and bitching about my marriage to other women (which my old friends seemed to love to do) and learned to be a great cook. I learned to quilt, crochet, knit, and fix computers. Fast forward 10-15 years, and I am the only one still married to the same guy and proud of it.

I have a husband that cannot stand to be away from me and I kid you not will not allow me out of bed to cook, clean, or have any stress when I am sick (makes me tear up knowing I chose to be his). If I say, 'I don't feel like cooking' he goes for take out or cooks dinner for the two of us (lucky I know).

If I could find a way to show the women I know outside of blog land, how devoting yourself to your husband (providing he is good one), I would. But, I now that the world we live in is not kind to wives that take pride in their husbands. I know this, because I have been told that I let my husband control me (I beg to differ!). Jim is a man that follows his own rules, if I can't do it, he doesn't. To me that is the difference. He expects no more out of me, than he does out of himself.

So when I see a world that expects an imbalance of power in marriage and divorce is so easily achieved through a lack of communication and disrespect I know that I am where I need to be. I am by his side forever his faithfully.  

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I kneel to him

I have implemented my own rule to be part of Dd/ttwd. It has been used a few times so far. If, I have a subject that needs to be discussed that could lead to me appearing to "top from the bottom", I kneel in front of him. Though, some may see this as something they could not do, I find it to enhance ttwd and to visually express my submission to both him and myself. 

Something like this.

Jim needs to know that I am not trying to dictate his control of a situation. He needs to know that I remember who is in charge and that he is capable. It is an understandable need for the man that bares the weight of the stress in our lives. It is the most effective way for me to say 'I support you no matter what'. 

At first, it was awkward and both of us suppressed a laugh as I tried to slowly and sexily kneel before him, trying to be sexy never works as it should!  Over time, this ritual has become easy (dare I say even sexy)? 

Yep, that looks about right.

The act of kneeling is both metaphoric and symbolic. It is humbling, and oddly enough calming to the mind. It is something I do for no other, it is an action reserved only for him. Often times, I wonder if any of you do something like this for your spouse? 


Monday, March 16, 2015

Willpower



Sometimes I do not think that my husband understands the sheer willpower it takes for me to be submissive. I have spent years arguing my point, I have a temper so bad it has resulted in me punching a former coworker in the back of the head. He deserved it, he thought it would be funny to come up behind me and hug me at the waist and touch where he shouldn't (I have a thing about males touching me, thanks to a crappy childhood).

I do not do well when someone shows authority over me, perhaps it is the PTSD, or perhaps I am just a bitch when I feel my personal space is not respected. Either way I struggle when I believe Jim is in the wrong. Yet, I still place one foot in front of the other and walk to the bedroom, pull my panties down, and lay there willingly waiting for the blow of leather or his favorite oak dowel rod (dear God!).

I read blogs written with the same type of struggles mentioned. It makes me feel less alone in my failures and craziness. But, then once in a while I find a blog that never makes any mention of a struggle. Nothing but perfect submission there. Rolling my eyes over that. 

Double eye roll


In all honesty, I do submit fairly easily, but then there are those times when I feel he is so wrong I CANNOT keep my mouth shut. I weigh my options, is this argument worth the possible price to my bottom? How can I submit to someone with faults as bad as mine, at times?

At times, it feels like by giving my submission to Jim and also giving him a free pass for mistakes. However, my mouth ensures that will never really happen. I know he will never take advantage of my submission, but in my head there is a bunch of what if's. I cannot explain this part of myself very well, I have just silently let my thoughts run over me and cause anxiety. 

Ttwd is not always easy. Perfection does not exist, submission will be lost unless it is actively used and respected. I will continue to have the need to keep my mouth shut (seems almost impossible). I will continue to be my own worst enemy, I will push him, I will drive him crazy, and I will always try to please him regardless of whether I am mad at him or not. I love him, it is that simple. 

Please excuse me while I go find my submission once again, as I lost it last night during an argument *rolls eyes at self*.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

No Tech Day Rule

As I have mentioned, Jim has a rule. Well, he has way more than one. But, today I am going to talk about one.

Each and every Sunday (no, not for religious reasons) I am not allowed to go on the internet (yes, this one sucks!), nor am I allowed to pick up my cell phone (house phone is fine). I know that if were to mention this rule to people I know outside of the internet, I would get that shock look and comments like: "I would never let a man control me". These words are what is often times spit out when men show dominance over women, consensual of course.

Oh the horror!

However, as many of you have (or hope to have) Dd/ttwd in you marriage, I know I can talk about the rules we don't discuss outside of our homes. At first, I remember when this rule (I call it the "no tech day rule") was first implemented. I thought, how in the world am I going to explain to my family and friends that I cannot answer the cell phone or Skype when asked? It was simple, I didn't. I just learned to say 'no' to them. I think this was part of why he wanted me to take one day off. That and he wanted me all to himself (perfectly fine with me).


Does this mean I am 100% okay with this rule? No, I am not. To say otherwise would make me a liar. There are Sunday's when all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and catch up on my favorite blogs. But, I know what he is doing. He is making sure I give my body and mind one day of relaxation. I am free to do anything I want on that day, just not cell and internet. Otherwise this will happen:

Not the good kind either

So tell me, what is a rule that you must follow that is hard to follow or understand? Feel free to email me if you would rather remain anonymous. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

Conversations

Today something happened. While busily running around town to pay bills Jim and I were casually talking. We started to discuss dominance and submission. I have always had a dominate personality, I walk in a room and people know when I am there. I am not a shy person. BUT...That same personality had kept me from settling down and enjoying life with my Jim.


I asked him if it was difficult maintaining dominance over me since I am at times I am dominate? The answer shocked me: "your not that dominate anymore." Did I just hear that right? I pushed a little more...

He says that I am far more submissive than I think. Whoa! When did that happen? I began to reflect on where we began this journey into ttwd. It was at one time, of the most difficult things I had to force myself to do (submission). Often, I felt like I was playing pretend, that if I did not maintain submission actively he would drop the ball. I was wrong about that. 




Perhaps, I am more submissive to him. But, what I learned from this conversation is that it is up to me to change my own flaws. He is there simply to guide and correct when needed. There WILL be times when I forget my place, speak out of turn, and even use disrespect as a weapon. However, he will be there to catch me (though it may be painful for my bottom), he will encourage growth and positive changes. It is the reason I married him. He knew I was a lot to handle, I knew he would be a man I could not walk all over (it is a flaw of mine).

So, I will take this little accomplishment in ttwd and think of it as a badge of honor. Though it is not perfect I am learning to submit without even having to work at it. Perhaps, it will earn me a good girl spanking.





Thursday, March 12, 2015

Questions???


Even though, I am new to blogging, I thought I would like to invite all of you to ask questions as it is March the Q & A month. I will do my best to answer them as honestly as I can. So, here goes....ask away...

TTWD and Self-Image

I am a plus size woman that bounces between being happy with my body to comparing myself to the images of women touted as being beautiful. At times, I want to throw myself on the floor and cry (no I don't actually do that, but I feel like it at times) while asking 'why?' 'why, can't I look like that?'...

The truth is these moments really piss hoh off. He becomes upset at me, tells me to stop picking at myself or he will get mad. He has always told me how beautiful he thinks I am. As a matter of fact, he comments about how beautiful he thinks I am everyday. In his mind, I am some plus sized Greek Goddess that arouses him in ways no other woman could.

Something like this.

However, I look nothing like what I view as beautiful in our society. I am smart enough to know that my self-image is worse than the reality. I have fretted and continued to over think and pick out each and every flaw. Yet, there is a shift within me that is unexpected stemming from ttwd. I find myself feeling sexy and alluring. The bedroom time is amazing, and my view of him because of ttwd is arousing and intense. I have read enough blogs to know I am not alone in the way I see my hoh since ttwd entered our life.

So, in defiance of what is deemed normal and sexy I call BS. It is not the perfect waist, the perfect nails, the perfect ratios of proportions. It is instead, the balance of power within a relationship. I willingly submit to him and he willingly takes control and lets me relax and fall into his care. How sexy is that? Extremely! 

I know that there will be times when I revert back to a poor self-image, but until then, I am going to enjoy being happy with me. So, to all of you that blog about ttwd, I want to thank you for opening the door to this lifestyle and shining a light on ttwd and sharing your up and downs with me and the other readers of your blogs. It has let my hoh and I slip into a lifestyle that is one of the best things that could have ever happened to us.


Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Over Thinking

I like so many other's view myself as an "over thinker". I take the simplest of things and over complicate them. It is one of those things that I do, that drives my hoh mad. I can take a statement and think about it so much it does not resemble itself. I can put meaning upon something without meaning. I can take a sigh from someone and convince myself that it is a sigh weighed heavily by disgust.




Having this innate ability means I am most often in a state of anxiety throughout the day. I spent years trying to silently correct myself and yet, it got worse. I ended up becoming uncomfortable within my own mind. I spewed out my own disgust with myself and placed my anger on my hoh. This did nothing, except make it all worse. I tried traditional medicine, alternative medicine (some helped), I even went back to school and got a degree thinking I would be happier with myself (nope).

But, then I started noticing that when my hoh babied me, or treated me like I was a little girl I calmed down. I kept this all to myself for a while. I started searching online for what to call this thing that made me calm. I stumbled, I got freaked out (you know those websites), I even stopped looking for a bit.

And then, it happened. I found a website called Taken In Hand. Which led me to finding the term DD. Inside, I giddily jumped up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning. 'That's what it is called!" I read all I could about it, and then the moment came for me to bring it to hoh...

I thought on whether to ease him into it, whether to drop hints, and even considered handing him the laptop and have him read about it. But, what instead did I do? I blurted it out. A mix of I wants, and I needs. Followed by: "What do you think"?

The response my hoh gave me was this: "I think you need your ass spanked now".

My thoughts went from wondering how he would react to 'wait...what?". It just so happened that we had purchased a flogger a couple of months before, to use for play. Hoh went to the closet and removed our once innocent toy and fear stuck me. Yet, my body seemed to find this entirely enjoyable. I was all at once scared, calm, aroused, and laughing (some very strange feeling to have all at once).



Even now, my mind is pleased by remembering that day. It was a turning point for me. I began to explore my own thoughts and pleasures. I watched my hoh become dominate and in control. I felt my love for him grow beyond what I thought was possible. It was the moment we began our Domestic Disciple marriage.


Trying to Relate

Expression of my personality is very important to me. I feel the need to saturate myself within things that say the words I myself cannot express, as clearly. This has led me to discover new bands to listen to (well new to me), along with genre's of books. Once I even changed my ringtone to something a little DD. However, it raised a few brows and I quickly changed it.

I think I worry too much about what people think, yet I have far too many times I don't care (there is that dang contradiction). I have an easier time evaluating other people, than I do myself. I seem to be a grab bag of likes, dislikes, and even (it seems) personalities.

I joined a few BDSM groups on Facebook and quickly left them as it seemed to be more of a place to "hook-up" rather, than to nurture a stable alternative relationship.  

The look I made when I saw those groups

Even though, what has been seen cannot be unseen, I am glad it did not make me walk away from TTWD. I learned how to discern between DD and people VERY confused pretending to be an authority on the subject of DD and BDSM (there is no such thing, I have discovered). There is instead a large group of people like me safely tucked away within the confines of blogs and some websites. 

I am thankful for TTWD as it has let me feel that I do not have to "fit in" to be happy. Instead, I can be me. I can express all the various and confusing contradictory sides of myself to the world. Because, the truth is no one cares or, notices except those following the relationship path I am.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

From Lurker to Blogger

It has taken a while for me to feel comfortable enough to begin active participation in Blog Land. So, I thought today would be a good day to phase into blogging about TTWD. One thing I have noticed about myself since introducing domestic discipline into my marriage is this: I am a complete contradiction to myself. I am not even sure that makes sense.

I will give a couple of examples to demonstrate my contradictions. 

When pushing my hoh to the point that I know he will react, I feel the urge to both, argue and submit (I do not always express this outward). If, he is flexible and understanding, I want him to be firm and stern. If, he is firm and stern I want him to be flexible and understanding. This always leaves one or both of us unhappy or unfulfilled. 

I am a VERY vocal person. I can out argue the best of them (as you can see there may be a little issue of aggressive behavior). I try hard to be docile and submissive. Again, there is that little issue. I am am aggressive person. I know way I am the way but, I don't know how to stop being that way. 

For years, that aggression was my safety. It kept people (men) at bay. It loudly proclaimed I was not a woman to be messed with. 

So, here I am. Married to a great guy, who deserves a kind soft spoken woman at his side. Yet, I am far from soft spoken. Instead, I am the woman at my hoh's side, the one who came to him and asked for us to start DD. I who, force myself to lie down on my bed, lay on my tummy, and bare the flesh of my bottom to my hoh and his implement of choice (lately a thin wooden dowel rod) to punish me. I am also a Masochist (yes, there it is again, that contradiction that confuses me).


So, here I am, just another wife that brought DD to her marriage blogging to the world that does not know THIS side of him and me.