I will give a couple of examples to demonstrate my contradictions.
When pushing my hoh to the point that I know he will react, I feel the urge to both, argue and submit (I do not always express this outward). If, he is flexible and understanding, I want him to be firm and stern. If, he is firm and stern I want him to be flexible and understanding. This always leaves one or both of us unhappy or unfulfilled.
I am a VERY vocal person. I can out argue the best of them (as you can see there may be a little issue of aggressive behavior). I try hard to be docile and submissive. Again, there is that little issue. I am am aggressive person. I know way I am the way but, I don't know how to stop being that way.
For years, that aggression was my safety. It kept people (men) at bay. It loudly proclaimed I was not a woman to be messed with.
So, here I am. Married to a great guy, who deserves a kind soft spoken woman at his side. Yet, I am far from soft spoken. Instead, I am the woman at my hoh's side, the one who came to him and asked for us to start DD. I who, force myself to lie down on my bed, lay on my tummy, and bare the flesh of my bottom to my hoh and his implement of choice (lately a thin wooden dowel rod) to punish me. I am also a Masochist (yes, there it is again, that contradiction that confuses me).
So, here I am, just another wife that brought DD to her marriage blogging to the world that does not know THIS side of him and me.