Tuesday, March 10, 2015

From Lurker to Blogger

It has taken a while for me to feel comfortable enough to begin active participation in Blog Land. So, I thought today would be a good day to phase into blogging about TTWD. One thing I have noticed about myself since introducing domestic discipline into my marriage is this: I am a complete contradiction to myself. I am not even sure that makes sense.

I will give a couple of examples to demonstrate my contradictions. 

When pushing my hoh to the point that I know he will react, I feel the urge to both, argue and submit (I do not always express this outward). If, he is flexible and understanding, I want him to be firm and stern. If, he is firm and stern I want him to be flexible and understanding. This always leaves one or both of us unhappy or unfulfilled. 

I am a VERY vocal person. I can out argue the best of them (as you can see there may be a little issue of aggressive behavior). I try hard to be docile and submissive. Again, there is that little issue. I am am aggressive person. I know way I am the way but, I don't know how to stop being that way. 

For years, that aggression was my safety. It kept people (men) at bay. It loudly proclaimed I was not a woman to be messed with. 

So, here I am. Married to a great guy, who deserves a kind soft spoken woman at his side. Yet, I am far from soft spoken. Instead, I am the woman at my hoh's side, the one who came to him and asked for us to start DD. I who, force myself to lie down on my bed, lay on my tummy, and bare the flesh of my bottom to my hoh and his implement of choice (lately a thin wooden dowel rod) to punish me. I am also a Masochist (yes, there it is again, that contradiction that confuses me).


So, here I am, just another wife that brought DD to her marriage blogging to the world that does not know THIS side of him and me. 


14 comments:

  1. Hi there! Just want to give you a very warm welcome ~
    Yes it can be a bit confusing - especially in the beginning. But you've taken a great step in learning and growing as now you're not only reading - you are processing your own journey here - and you'll be so blessed by the wonderful feedback from others who reallyand truly understand what you are feeling and what you are going through.
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thank you, for your kind welcome. It is nice to find an online community that embraces TTWD and the struggles we all share in one way or another.

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  2. Well done at joining us here in blogland.
    Sadly we don't have all the answers at all, I still don't understand myself, but I think that reading here and writing about your thoughts and feelings is a great step to trying to come to terms with yourself, the way you are, what you want.
    I look forward to hearing more about your story.

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    1. Janey, I have read your blog for the last few months (and Cali's). I thank you for the welcome and I also thank you for all of your posts, that showed me that I am not alone in how think and feel. I look forward to growing and becoming more comfortable in myself and my own ying/yang personality.

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  3. Welcome to blogland! We all look forward to learning your story and following your progress. Take things in small steps and know the more the two of you can talk things over, the easier it will be.
    Meredith

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  4. Thank you, One thing I am sure of is that my hoh is always open to communication. I just have to force myself to communicate before a small thing turns into a big thing.

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  5. I just started blogging too. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. I hope to get to know you better through your posts.
    Megan

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    1. Hi Megan,

      I am glad I am not alone in the just starting to blog. Perhaps you and I can learn from each other. Please excuse me while I go lurk around your blog.

      Hugs,

      Kathy

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  6. Hello and welcome! Hope you enjoy blogging as much as I do.
    DF

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    1. Hi DelFonte,

      Yes, I do love blogging. It seems to encourage me to be a better version of myself. I look forward to reading through your blog.

      Kathy

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  7. Welcome! I am also a lurker and maybe one day may take the leap into blogging. As for now I just love knowing that I'm not alone and that there are other couples out there just like us!

    P.s. The dowels are the worst! But my HOH loves them since they are quiet and our kids can't hear it. They may hear me though!

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    1. Cherished,

      Thank you for commenting. When you are ready to blog, I can assure you our online family will help guide you. I look forward to when you are ready to begin blogging,

      I learned that my choice of buying the oak dowel may have been a mistake. Thankfully, it is only used when I go way overboard.

      Hugs,

      Kathy

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  8. Just started reading your posts and can appreciate the often confusing messages and feeling we go through. Here you will find a variety of viewpoints from those that have already gone through a situation or are dealing with a similar one. Find what fits you both is what is important here and not compare. I look forward to reading and learning more about you both.

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    1. Annabelle,

      I don't know if I could have done the Dd/ttwd without lurking on the blogs. It made my path much easier.

      Hugs,

      Kathy

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