I do not do well when someone shows authority over me, perhaps it is the PTSD, or perhaps I am just a bitch when I feel my personal space is not respected. Either way I struggle when I believe Jim is in the wrong. Yet, I still place one foot in front of the other and walk to the bedroom, pull my panties down, and lay there willingly waiting for the blow of leather or his favorite oak dowel rod (dear God!).
I read blogs written with the same type of struggles mentioned. It makes me feel less alone in my failures and craziness. But, then once in a while I find a blog that never makes any mention of a struggle. Nothing but perfect submission there. Rolling my eyes over that.
Double eye roll
In all honesty, I do submit fairly easily, but then there are those times when I feel he is so wrong I CANNOT keep my mouth shut. I weigh my options, is this argument worth the possible price to my bottom? How can I submit to someone with faults as bad as mine, at times?
At times, it feels like by giving my submission to Jim and also giving him a free pass for mistakes. However, my mouth ensures that will never really happen. I know he will never take advantage of my submission, but in my head there is a bunch of what if's. I cannot explain this part of myself very well, I have just silently let my thoughts run over me and cause anxiety.
Ttwd is not always easy. Perfection does not exist, submission will be lost unless it is actively used and respected. I will continue to have the need to keep my mouth shut (seems almost impossible). I will continue to be my own worst enemy, I will push him, I will drive him crazy, and I will always try to please him regardless of whether I am mad at him or not. I love him, it is that simple.
Please excuse me while I go find my submission once again, as I lost it last night during an argument *rolls eyes at self*.