Monday, March 16, 2015

Willpower



Sometimes I do not think that my husband understands the sheer willpower it takes for me to be submissive. I have spent years arguing my point, I have a temper so bad it has resulted in me punching a former coworker in the back of the head. He deserved it, he thought it would be funny to come up behind me and hug me at the waist and touch where he shouldn't (I have a thing about males touching me, thanks to a crappy childhood).

I do not do well when someone shows authority over me, perhaps it is the PTSD, or perhaps I am just a bitch when I feel my personal space is not respected. Either way I struggle when I believe Jim is in the wrong. Yet, I still place one foot in front of the other and walk to the bedroom, pull my panties down, and lay there willingly waiting for the blow of leather or his favorite oak dowel rod (dear God!).

I read blogs written with the same type of struggles mentioned. It makes me feel less alone in my failures and craziness. But, then once in a while I find a blog that never makes any mention of a struggle. Nothing but perfect submission there. Rolling my eyes over that. 

Double eye roll


In all honesty, I do submit fairly easily, but then there are those times when I feel he is so wrong I CANNOT keep my mouth shut. I weigh my options, is this argument worth the possible price to my bottom? How can I submit to someone with faults as bad as mine, at times?

At times, it feels like by giving my submission to Jim and also giving him a free pass for mistakes. However, my mouth ensures that will never really happen. I know he will never take advantage of my submission, but in my head there is a bunch of what if's. I cannot explain this part of myself very well, I have just silently let my thoughts run over me and cause anxiety. 

Ttwd is not always easy. Perfection does not exist, submission will be lost unless it is actively used and respected. I will continue to have the need to keep my mouth shut (seems almost impossible). I will continue to be my own worst enemy, I will push him, I will drive him crazy, and I will always try to please him regardless of whether I am mad at him or not. I love him, it is that simple. 

Please excuse me while I go find my submission once again, as I lost it last night during an argument *rolls eyes at self*.

18 comments:

  1. Oh my... You are certainly not alone with struggling to submit. I think we all have our moments... Some better than others. I try to keep my blog "real". I wonder too about the bloggers out there who always submit gracefully and things are always perfect. Just give yourself a break and try again next time:)

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    1. Lillyanna Rose,

      When I first started this blog I wanted to show the parts of my life that I had questions about before starting Dd/ttwd. I want to encourage personal growth and remove the dark shadows that often result when the media latches on to what it is we all do.

      If I can make one person feel like it is okay to be who they really are behind closed doors, then I have contributed a good thing to that person's life.

      I hope that makes sense,
      Kathy

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  2. I agree that anyone saying they have a perfectly submitted ttwd/DD relationship is not being honest, or is just a complete doormat. My husband is not perfect and neither am I. I don't think he'd want me to always completely agree with him, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind it more often!

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    1. Megan,

      I thought the doormat thing as well. But, perfection does not exist so always agreeing is not an option. Nevertheless, how I disagree can be better than what it is. That is something I can work on.

      Kathy

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  3. Definitely not alone, i have been with my Master 10 years and i still have moments when i struggle, and i blog about them as Lillyanna Rose said because i would rather keep my blog real than it being portrayed as a fairly tale and everything is all peachy sweet...becomes sometimes its not!

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    1. Tori,

      I just visited your blog and must say I enjoyed it very much.

      Too much fantasy, rather than reality, leads to failure in the idea of what lifestyles we all live. Truth sparks conversation and a growing blogging community.

      Kathy

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  4. After almost two years of ttwd. Jack says we have reached a sustained mellowness. That means he has acheived peace in our home at the expense of my bottom. He compliments me and I beam. What he does;t know is that it has taken will power beyond the pale. I watch my tongue, my eyes, my boyd language and my sighs. It is not always easy, this thing called submission. I enjoy pleasing hm and things seem smooth. But there is always a rubbling undercurrent. Right?
    Meredith

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    1. Meredith,

      There is always that shred of dominance bubbling within me. I think all of us have that, or something similar when we disagree with our husbands.

      Kathy

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  5. No one is right all of the time, just because we submit does not mean we cannot say if we feel they are wrong. It's how you tell them that is the key and that is a skill all on its own and even when you think you have acquired it you will still blow it sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself we all struggle and anyone who says otherwise,well we all like fairy tales but just remember that what they are.

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    1. Hi Anna,

      Honestly, I think I am harder on myself than he is. At least when is interjects it is swift and quickly over, However, my guilt is lasting far longer when I do fail.

      Kathy

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  6. It's real life. He gets it wrong just as I do.
    The difference is the way we choose to deal with it. Because it is a choice. I could continue the argument and stop talking for days or I can try to put my side across respectfully or I can lose it and shout and swear and accept the consequences. The punishment is usually for my reaction rather than the cause of the argument.
    He's not an ogre, he's not a saint either and I want something different than what we had for those years when we were living alongside each other always in love but not always happy - so I choose this way of my own free will. But all that does not make submitting easy.

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    1. Janey,

      Yes! That is exactly how I am trying to see things. I am not perfect and neither is he. Although, this is far easier to think about, rather than putting it into practice. I am getting better at it (most of the time).

      I guess I have just expected perfection out of him and it has caused me to struggle at times (stupid, I know).

      Kathy

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  7. Oh.. I get it Kathy.. and no, you are not alone.. You should read some of my past blogs as I struggle with the PTSD.

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    1. Dana (love that name),

      Thank you for pointing me to your blog.

      Kathy

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  8. A clever HOH knows when he is in the wrong and adjust accordingly. But if you push him, or become mouthy and obstreperous, all of his good intentions will go out of the window, and it is your bottom that will be on the line.

    We have ALL been there!

    If you've read much about Dan and I, you will know how much I even hate the word submissive. Yet I find I seem to have embraced the role despite fighting against it, and it is only now that I am realising that Dan will either apologise or adjust the way her spanks me. It's taken ages to register, so maybe my skull is thicker than most!

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Ami,

      Jim did acknowledge and adjust as he would expect me to, once he realized the issue. Mouthiness is something I struggle with. I am naturally sarcastic and quick with comebacks (a downfall).

      I am hardheaded as well.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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  9. Thanks for commenting on my post. I wanted to stop by and check out your blog and I am sure glad that I did. Really like your past posts.
    The part of blog land that I enjoy most is that there are other people who have experiences and issues just like me. I can learn a lot from them, even the beginners. If anyone says that their relationship is perfect, give them a pair of puts to clean the poop up.
    Ty and I struggled so much with what you are talking about. Trusting and not getting defensive has been really hard on me. Ty always laughs when I tell him that I am being submissive, he tells me that I don't know what submissive means. How rude! There are not easy answers and what works for one person doesn't always work for the other. Plus, your dynamic will constantly be changing. Just keep working on it and talking to each other. As a matter of fact, tonight, Ty and I are having a very important conversation. It has to do with consequences and if there is a time limit before my offense is off the table. I know that I am going to lose this one because it is too big of a mistake that there would never be an easy way out. But we will talk and if it doesn't work for tonight, it might work for other mishaps (A girl can hope, right?)
    Thank you for being honest and sharing your ups and downs.

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    1. Blondie,

      I do hope the talk you have with Ty tonight, goes as you would like it. Either way though, the talk will surely help other areas and give time to just the two of you.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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