Thursday, April 30, 2015
Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes other bloggers don't know what to say. Sometimes we speak from our heart, sometimes we speak of our passion for our husbands. Right now many of the DD/ttwd blogs are stagnant. So I am turning to my lurkers to encourage comments/questions (respectful and non-invasive) to pose to their favorite bloggers. Let them know you are reading what they say, let them know when you can empathize and understand whatever it is you relate to within yourself.
Interaction is so critical to keeping the DD/ttwd blogs going. We bloggers all know we could just buy a diary and write the personal details of our lives there. But, instead we broadcast intimate details to the world in hopes we are able to feel connected to others like us, or that we make some of you thinking about DD/ttwd take a step and tell your partner your desires.
So if you are reading this, go take a moment to tell a favorite blogger you like their blog, or ask a question, or simply say something funny. It doesn't matter what you say (respectfully), as long as it is a positive interaction.
Monday, April 27, 2015
The heavy duty one.
Every once in a while I am surprised. Last night was one of those times. During some play time Jim, he whispered in my ear while expertly occupying his hands that he would like to see me wear a collar for him. Secretly, I have been intrigued by collars in various aspects of bdsm. So when his words passed through to my brain (it is very difficult to focus when his hands are so busy), I was immediately on high alert.
On one hand, there is the erotic and submissive side to wearing one. But, on the other hand, I don't think I could bare explaining a collar to all of the vanilla people in my life. So this leaves me weighing the pros and the cons to it. I have looked at different styles ranging from heavy duty collaring to necklaces that collar, but are not easily identified as anything but a necklace. I know what I like, but it would not go over well in the Bible Belt (the southern United States), so I am left trying to decide what I want to do.
The more discrete version
I know that there are many alternatives to wearing a collar. One of which, was one I read about on one of my favorite blogs a couple of years ago. Janey over at Him, Me, and Us mentioned an earring that she hoped to have one day that would be engraved with "I obey". You can read about it here. It was after reading her post that I realized I really like her idea and the symbolism. However, trying to convince Jim to let me pierce my ear again may be a bit of a challenge (he hates the I have pierced ears for some reason I can't understand).
At this point, I am think that if I do this and Jim still wants me to wear one for him, I will have to have one I wear everyday that is dismissed as a necklace, then wear the one I really want at home (after dark, when no one will come to our house).
I started wondering what many of you do. Do you wear a collar? Do you want to? Would you, if you could?
Friday, April 24, 2015
Over the last few weeks Jim has made some observations. One of these observations, is that I am more in a groove with my submission, than I have been before. I have only received a few punishments that have resulted from rudeness (my weakness is avoiding sarcasm and rudeness). I am also avoiding taking control in everyday life. More asking his opinion before assuming it, and avoiding making decisions without speaking to him (not big stuff, just everyday boring stuff).
Since we have discussed my increase in consistent submission it has been decided that he requires more from me 'now that he knows I can do it'...oh boy! So, here I am facing stronger discipline and more rules. One part of me is proud, and the other is freaking out.
Change always causes stress in me, perhaps, I am more afraid he has more trust in my submission than I can live up to? I hate the look in his eyes when I disappoint. I want to do everything I can to avoid it.
So there have been some new rules added to the major D's and I must say I am happy about it. When I look back on how I was a year ago, I am amazed at how much better I am able to submit without knowing I am submitting. I guess I always thought there would be a defined moment, when such milestones are reached. This is not to say I am without losing my temper, or forgetting my rules, it just means that I know when I overstep and try to correct actively. But, I really am trying to actively submit.
Here is what I consider Active Submission in my ttwd life:
Today, I did receive a punishment spanking and I am very proud of it. It was one of those moments that I had a choice, I could present myself for punishment, or ignore and avoid punishment. I thought about it for a minute and got up from the sofa and shut and locked the front door. I knew Jim was in the bedroom and I was on a mission. I walked to him and stated that I was presenting myself for punishment (I swear he cracked a teeny tiny smile). He said, "I know" and pointed to the bed. Fear and pride both filled me.
I love this picture of presentation.
"I want your skirt up and panties off."...Smiles? We don't need no stinking smiles!
I did as I was told, laid across the bed and buried my face into the pillow. He took his time selecting the implement. I sneaked a peek and saw he had selected the oak paddle. One half of me purring and the other is feeling exposed and regretting ratting on herself. I steel myself and get ready for the strikes. I feel Jim's hand go to my lower back to prevent too much movement on my part.
The next thing I know I am ready to run the moment I feel the paddle smack my bottom. My hands instinctively go to the stingy skin (I know he will probably begin tying my hands in the future, if I keep doing that). I receive a mere two more strikes, but I was breathless and extremely sorry for what I had done (I was not respectful in my speaking to him earlier and he was going to let it slide, by the way).
Jim lowered his head to mine while I was still trying to return to normal, and said "Next time it will be ten, then 20, then...Do you understand?" I nodded in agreement. I was then told that I he was not going to be so easy on me next time, because he knows I can do as agreed upon. I was then released and allowed to put panties back on and lower my skirt.
I am still proud of facing consequences and not ignoring my ability to submit and my gosh I loved watching the hoh or Dom side of Jim. I am sure many of you at least slightly relish seeing the hoh/Dom come out in your husbands (or wives).
If so, when was the first time you saw that side of your partner?
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
There is a storm always brewing beneath my submission. I can be and am compliant and will do everything my husband asks of me...eventually. I can cook him a meal fit for a king, clean a home so well you are afraid to be among that level of cleanliness, and be a sex goddess (okay, maybe not that good, but humor me anyway) when ever he asks. I can handle money and be so strict with it Jim goes out of his mind with me 'making do' (its a talent really, never buy anything you want nor things like socks, and shoes even when they have more holes then cloth).
But, there is another side to me (actually there are many more). I want to tell the people off that hurt me. I want to stand up for myself even when I am wrong and looking like an idiot. I want to fix broken relationships and tell people to 'snap out of it' or to 'grow up'. I want to be in...let me see....control.
Alas, I am not wired that way. Instead, I have this mind that thinks and reacts differently, depending on the situation. For example:
I will show defiance to Jim for as long as he lets me (he doesn't allow it often at all). But, I cannot burn a bridge that needs burning, because I think I am addicted to the comfort of the familiar pain it gives me. My birthday was last week (I turned 34), I have found my own birthdays to be a time of extreme emotional pain.
My loving husband kissed me awake and groped me in a way that let me know I am in fact, his sex goddess. I had sweet phone calls from my friends and my brother (the only other sane person in my family). I promised myself I would not let my mother ignoring my birthday once again hurt me. So, I plastered a smile on my face and faced the day with positive and warm fuzzy thoughts. I usually get the phone call a day late with some "I had a headache", or I get no excuse, just a stiff unimportant call from her the next day.
So, knowing this would happened I tried to train my brain to avoid anger, devastation, hurt, sadness, and shock (hey I can try, can't I?).
Hour 2 of my birthday: Happy
Hour 3: Happy, but thoughts of how my mother dislikes me.
Hour 4: Chatty with friends, ignoring the feeling on emptiness.
Hour 5: Looking at clock every ten minutes.
Hour 6: This is where I begin making excuses on her behalf things like...."I am sorry hon, I was in an accident"...or "Surprise! I wanted to come in person and let you know, you are a great daughter"...but, none of that will ever happen.
Hour 7: Strong in my emotions again and level headed
Hour 8: I am in a mode of disbelief, surely no mother can dislike her child this much (oh but yes she can).
Hour 9-12: I begin ignoring that fact that my body was even birthed by another human being. Instead, I decided am here only because my mother is an alien (whom I no memory of), and thought I would learn valuable hurtful lessons I could teach my people safely about, without them ever having to feel the soul torturing pain.
Hour 13: I begin the crying. I check my Facebook a million times just to be sure she really doesn't care. Maybe she left me a message...nope.
Hour 14: I send a simple text to my brother..."she never called". He and I both had talked and knew that all of this would happen. But, it still hurt me and made him feel as though we have been born to a soul-less being he must compensate for.
I begin crying because I have no control of her actions. I have two choices. I can ignore it all and lap up the attention given to me when my mom has something to brag about, Or, I can accept the truth and walk away never exposing myself to her (frankly) shitty way of being a mother.
I once went to a therapist to see if I could fix myself and how I feel about my mother. After three sessions I was told that considering the things my mother has done or caused in my life, I am doing far more for myself than any therapist can do (wait, you mean it is her that is screwed up?).
Sadly, yes it is her. I know it, my family knows it, but my mind and heart refused to believe it. My mother who for some reason thinks it is okay to ignore all of the female children in my family, yet pour attention over the males, and gave birth to me, a female. A female that thinks mothers and daughters should be close, a female that loves her family and has nearly had a complete meltdown over the cruelty of my mother while trying to get her to SEE me.
My mother is the cause of the storm always brewing beneath my submission. Not because I save up the anger, or try to be as she wants me. But, because I struggle with trust, and always see my submission as a reason for someone to use it against me for personal gain.
Then I look in Jim's eyes, his faithful, loving, and strong eyes. I remember I am not crazy for feeling the fear. I listen to Jim's guidance and trying to let go of my expectations. Its not easy though. Because, I am submissive until I remember that each time I left myself at the mercy of another, it has been my downfall and cause of great hurt.
So, a choice has been made. I made it all on my own. I am walking away from my mother. Not because I don't care, but because I need to, in order to survive. I need to focus on those that care, and I need to forgive my years of wasting my time on a futile mission.
Instead, I will be focusing more on ttwd and less of what cannot be changed. So buckle up, and get ready for the ride with me!
Monday, April 20, 2015
I go too far. I am prone to seeing things only my way. So when the mail arrived today and I saw a shut off notice for the water I kinda freaked out and went overboard. I told Jim about it and worked myself into a frenzy about how our water would be shut off if we don't pay the dang bill.
He told me we were fine and he had talked with the water company already. I told him...did not suggest as any good Dd wife would do, that he needed to go take care of it as I had other things needing my attention...Yes, I stupidly did that. Looking back now, I have no idea what the hell got into me. Death wish perhaps? Hormones?
Smug in my ability to get things going and head off financial woes I sit down and call a close friend. I make no mention of the water bill to her...she would have told me I was wrong, anyway! I carry on a normal conversation with her as my dogs start barking because Jim has pulled into the driveway. I unaware of the hurricane on its way to me.
The front door flies open and he has The Look. I am perplex with this for only a second.
"We are going to talk, NOW!" He barks
I hurry off of the phone knowing my friend heard him and will not ask me about it when I call her back unless I bring it up (I adore her).
Phone on the charger, spin around ready to "talk".....yeah, one look in his eyes tells me there will be very little talking. He grabs me by the wrist and to the bedroom we go. I knew I was in for it. Swiftly, I feel my pants and panties yanked down and I wait for his selection of implement...SMACK!
He used his had, I knew I was in for it. You see my man comes from a long line of burly loggers with offspring that reflect the generations of men with large strong bodies, my Jim is no exception. So when he uses his hand to punish it means he is pissed.
Then the lecture begins.
SMACK...You knew better!...SMACK...
SMACK...You made me doubt myself!..SMACK
And just like that, I felt great remorse. Not for my bottom (okay a little), but for what I caused him. I felt horrible. I know what it is like to self-doubt my actions and I just did the same to him.
Submissive wife now engaged.
A dirty mind goes a long way in ttwd. At least it does in my home. I can see an implement as something that strikes fear in me, or as something that can bring pleasure to my body. It a source of constant entertainment when shopping at the mall or a department store. Jim loves to wander the aisles of a large home and garden center. He always goes straight for the oak dowels, boards, and even some hardware. He does this because he is a talented craftsman, (yes, I just fluffed his ego for him).
I on the other hand love getting lost in the rope and chain aisle, (what can I say here). I love that there are so many types of ropes. Some that express a gentleness and for the novice. Some that challenge our comfort levels, and some that mean business! I like them all. And while I watch Jim pick up a mean looking board/slat there is a part of me that cringes and one that becomes aroused. I know that the pain I may feel later may be more than I believe I can handle, but that I will relish it before and after (sometimes during). I still hate the oak dowel rod with its slim and direct caning effect, but I also love it, (I am just wired that way).
A simple thing such as going to dinner and being around others can be entertaining as well. Jim likes communicating with me using just his eyes, he can also turn me on using just those eyes. He knows this and uses it to the hilt. He enjoys watching me squirm and become embarrassed. I love the hearty laughter that escapes him during this kind of play. I am careful not to order anything that comes with a cherry on top, as I know he loves to tease me about it and make suggestive remarks. His dirty mind is my trigger for relaxation, when he becomes playful, I let go of stress and tension.
A few times, my dirty mind has gotten me in trouble, like when someone says something that can be dirty, and they don't 'get it'. I always feel sorry for people that are lacking in a dirty sense of humor. Seems like a waste of a good laugh to miss and opportunity to spin something dirty on the mundane.
I once read about a study that said those with a dirty mind is a sign of a sharp mind, (one can only hope). Whether that study is correct or not, I find the need to joke around essential to my survival in a world gone crazy.
Here is the study, if you are interested: Sexual Thoughts and the Mind
Monday, April 13, 2015
Let's face it, life just gets in the way. It stands in the way of what we want to do, rather than what we HAVE to do. As I have mentioned in my last post, I am dealing with an injury. Since the injury, Dd has been avoided so as not to over tax my body anymore then necessary. Throw in a little family drama into the mix and you have a perfect snapshot of my week. I did go and see an orthopedist and get an MRI of my knee. I know that there are two possible outcomes of the test results: Either I will be stuck in a brace for several weeks and begin physical therapy for my knee and my back (unrelated problem), or I will need surgery...Oh, yay for me.
After a one week break from ttwd, I am assured I cannot hold on to my sanity without ttwd. So, I have had to have a talk with Jim and convince him to begin Dd again and help me find a release from the stress. He was being kind and allowing my body to heal and agreed we both need this. So through some modifications we are back on track. Last night was when we broke the dry spell and brought the flogger out.
I am one that will fill myself with anxiety and over-think everything unless I find a release. For me, that is why ttwd works for me. I get a break from myself and the racing thoughts that lead me to days full of anxiety and worry.
So here we are, me laying flat on my stomach burying my face in the pillow and relishing every single blow. The flogger begins to slice through the air and smacks my bottom and my thighs. Jim has been out of sorts without ttwd as well, my moods have been difficult for both of us, (as I have stated before I am a handful). At this point, we are at around 18 blows, (rough guess as I do not count the strikes), his rhythm is perfect and each blow is coming harder than the last one. Ah the relief! Each strike begins releasing tension, worry, and guilt for waiting to set things right. Then...POW! Jim forgets my left knee is still injured.
The leather tails of the flogger smack the back of my knee with vengeance and stored up justice (no, he did not do it on purpose). We both freeze. "Oh shit!" followed by tons of apologies filling my ears. I begin laughing after the shock of the pain and tell him to carry on (not on my knee though).
If, anyone is reading this and considering Dd, please know that these things happen. Ttwd is not perfect and accidents do happen regardless of experience and years of practicing this lifestyle. As for me, I am still glad we decided to stop the break from ttwd and my knee is no worse for wear than it was before.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Hello all. So much has happened in the last week or so since I have been on. We welcomed a new baby into our family (a nephew) and I have been trying to assist in helping guide the parents on the fascinating issues of how to get a baby to latch for nursing, how often to bathe the baby, and what is normal and what is not.
During this time, I also injured my knee by dislocating it and tearing a couple of ligaments (yay me!). However, since I live in a smaller town getting to an orthopedist is a bit of a challenge. I have to wait until later this week to see the true extent of the damage to my knee. Once things settle down here, I will be able to catch up on all of my blogs and begin to relax again.
On the flip side, this little injury has gotten me out of mowing that dang yard of mine!