There is a storm always brewing beneath my submission. I can be and am compliant and will do everything my husband asks of me...eventually. I can cook him a meal fit for a king, clean a home so well you are afraid to be among that level of cleanliness, and be a sex goddess (okay, maybe not that good, but humor me anyway) when ever he asks. I can handle money and be so strict with it Jim goes out of his mind with me 'making do' (its a talent really, never buy anything you want nor things like socks, and shoes even when they have more holes then cloth).
But, there is another side to me (actually there are many more). I want to tell the people off that hurt me. I want to stand up for myself even when I am wrong and looking like an idiot. I want to fix broken relationships and tell people to 'snap out of it' or to 'grow up'. I want to be in...let me see....control.
Alas, I am not wired that way. Instead, I have this mind that thinks and reacts differently, depending on the situation. For example:
I will show defiance to Jim for as long as he lets me (he doesn't allow it often at all). But, I cannot burn a bridge that needs burning, because I think I am addicted to the comfort of the familiar pain it gives me. My birthday was last week (I turned 34), I have found my own birthdays to be a time of extreme emotional pain.
My loving husband kissed me awake and groped me in a way that let me know I am in fact, his sex goddess. I had sweet phone calls from my friends and my brother (the only other sane person in my family). I promised myself I would not let my mother ignoring my birthday once again hurt me. So, I plastered a smile on my face and faced the day with positive and warm fuzzy thoughts. I usually get the phone call a day late with some "I had a headache", or I get no excuse, just a stiff unimportant call from her the next day.
So, knowing this would happened I tried to train my brain to avoid anger, devastation, hurt, sadness, and shock (hey I can try, can't I?).
Hour 2 of my birthday: Happy
Hour 3: Happy, but thoughts of how my mother dislikes me.
Hour 4: Chatty with friends, ignoring the feeling on emptiness.
Hour 5: Looking at clock every ten minutes.
Hour 6: This is where I begin making excuses on her behalf things like...."I am sorry hon, I was in an accident"...or "Surprise! I wanted to come in person and let you know, you are a great daughter"...but, none of that will ever happen.
Hour 7: Strong in my emotions again and level headed
Hour 8: I am in a mode of disbelief, surely no mother can dislike her child this much (oh but yes she can).
Hour 9-12: I begin ignoring that fact that my body was even birthed by another human being. Instead, I decided am here only because my mother is an alien (whom I no memory of), and thought I would learn valuable hurtful lessons I could teach my people safely about, without them ever having to feel the soul torturing pain.
Hour 13: I begin the crying. I check my Facebook a million times just to be sure she really doesn't care. Maybe she left me a message...nope.
Hour 14: I send a simple text to my brother..."she never called". He and I both had talked and knew that all of this would happen. But, it still hurt me and made him feel as though we have been born to a soul-less being he must compensate for.
I begin crying because I have no control of her actions. I have two choices. I can ignore it all and lap up the attention given to me when my mom has something to brag about, Or, I can accept the truth and walk away never exposing myself to her (frankly) shitty way of being a mother.
I once went to a therapist to see if I could fix myself and how I feel about my mother. After three sessions I was told that considering the things my mother has done or caused in my life, I am doing far more for myself than any therapist can do (wait, you mean it is her that is screwed up?).
Sadly, yes it is her. I know it, my family knows it, but my mind and heart refused to believe it. My mother who for some reason thinks it is okay to ignore all of the female children in my family, yet pour attention over the males, and gave birth to me, a female. A female that thinks mothers and daughters should be close, a female that loves her family and has nearly had a complete meltdown over the cruelty of my mother while trying to get her to SEE me.
My mother is the cause of the storm always brewing beneath my submission. Not because I save up the anger, or try to be as she wants me. But, because I struggle with trust, and always see my submission as a reason for someone to use it against me for personal gain.
Then I look in Jim's eyes, his faithful, loving, and strong eyes. I remember I am not crazy for feeling the fear. I listen to Jim's guidance and trying to let go of my expectations. Its not easy though. Because, I am submissive until I remember that each time I left myself at the mercy of another, it has been my downfall and cause of great hurt.
So, a choice has been made. I made it all on my own. I am walking away from my mother. Not because I don't care, but because I need to, in order to survive. I need to focus on those that care, and I need to forgive my years of wasting my time on a futile mission.
Instead, I will be focusing more on ttwd and less of what cannot be changed. So buckle up, and get ready for the ride with me!