Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A Personal Vent


I was recently asked a question by a fellow blogger in an email (Megan at Megan's Sweet Secret). It was concerning honesty. Am I a person that can tell on myself even if, I know I will be in trouble? The answer is without a doubt YES. You see I grew up with people that lied every chance they got. It was out of self-preservation, ego, and stupidity. I REFUSE TO BE THEM.

My mother is a compulsive liar that loves any and all attention that makes her a victim in the eyes of her audience. It disgusted me even as a very young child. I remember back to when I was about 4 1/2 years old, as being the moment I knew my mother was not a good mother. Yes, I was very young, I was also the one at 4 years old that was feeding and changing a baby (my brother) who was hooked up to a heart monitor because he was born with a weak heart (he was a preemie and my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy). I watched her punch her stomach screaming that she did not want, "that asshole's baby". Then I watched her go out and party and hang out with the most disgusting men all while she left me home alone to take care of the baby (his father was gone a well).


Of course, now that I am older, my mother has done some damage control and made me the evil, horrible, and ungrateful child that my whole family (besides my brother), no longer speaks to. After all, I was the one that told my mother she had to be a mother to my brother and make sure he ate and had someone to talk to (since I was 2,000 miles away). Oh but, I so underestimated her. What she did was get mad at me and tell everyone that I was mad at her for not spending money on me (how she got that, I have no friggin clue), I watched it, my brother watched it. So when she knew her argument for continuing to be the beloved victim cover was blown, she decided to tell the whole family that I stressed her out so much she swallowed a bunch of pills and tried to kill herself. Except, she never went to the hospital, and upon being pushed for information she confessed that she only took 3 Tylenol and called it a suicide attempt.



 I watched my mother and her audience as a child and as an adult, and knew I would rather cease to exist than EVER behave as I saw. So now I am a woman that does not lie, nor do I sneak bad behavior and I am an advocate for children from people like her. I stand up for what I believe in, I say no when something in not right, and I am also a little mixed up at times given my history with my family. I try my best, but one thing I know I am okay with is, honesty and truth.

I am proud of who I am. I am proud of not being anything like my family. I was proud when I was a young child and got asked if I was adopted. I was proud because it meant I was not like her. What I have learned as a person that survived being the child of a woman that should never have had children is this: I am not her.

I love my step-kids, I desire a child born from my own body. I desire to be a mother so bad, I get angry with those that do not see the beauty in motherhood. My mother's failure has a mother helped make me a damn good mother, and I am grateful for it.

You see I am not perfect, and I never will be. But, I will always be honest and never repeat the mistakes that hurt me, on another living being as long as my soul exists.

My point is, we are not the product of our childhoods, we are instead the product of what we do with what our childhood was.

8 comments:

  1. Kathy,

    Very well said. I have found the same to be true. I didn't want to be like my mother either. Although she wasn't a "bad" mother, she didn't stand up for me and I knew I didn't want to be that kind of mother. I'm glad you were able to stand strong in your identity and are assured of who you are.

    Megan

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    1. Megan,

      Just goes to show we are not destined to repeat the history of our Mother's. I am still thankful for the lessons that brought me to this point, even if it was a dark time for me.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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  2. There is so much i can relate to with what you have wrote, my mother and i have a very difficult realtionship, if it wasnt for the fact that she is great with my children, i could see myself cutting her off, but then the other part of me doesnt want to give up on her.

    But you are so very right in what you said in your last paragraph.

    x

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    1. Tori,

      I spent years waiting for a my mother to be a mother. She would crush me, and I would go back because surely no mother can actually feel they way she acted. I begged, pleaded, tried to be the best daughter, and eventually had enough. Now, I do not exist to her, and it has been a calm 2 months. As far as my stepchildren and my brother's children, my mother is only there for photos so she can brag to our extended family and her friends about being a "Grandma". The kids barely recognize her when she decides to appear for her photo-op.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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  3. Kathy, I can relate to much of this. My father was a liar and an abuser. When called out on the abuse he lied thru his teeth to make me, the 15 yr old, look like I was in the wrong. I completely get where you're coming from. God bless you for becoming the woman you are today!

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    1. Hey Maggie,

      It sounds like your father and my mother belong to the same Narcissistic Screw Up Your Kid Club.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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  4. Just a note from a stranger to thank you for writing this entry. Your story is my husband's story. I read it with such sadness. Reading your story helped me understand him even more. He is a fine man who had a lousy beginning. My heart is filled with such compassion for both of you. It wasn't right, but both of you have made it right. Thank you for sharing. Lily

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    1. Lily,

      I am sorry it took me so long to reply. Life has gotten in the way of my blogging! Anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to comment on my post. When I get comments such as yours, it makes me feel like I am speaking to more than a few people. It lets me know, other people have walked a path I have, or will walk in the future. I hope you and your husband stay strong and keep the love at the forefront, even when old memories sneak in and take him to a darker place.

      Hugs,
      Kathy

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